Falling One Kiss at a Time
by Hamstercheese7
Summary: It starts out innocently enough, but like all things, it gets complicated fast. This is the story of how Smoker and Tashigi cross the line and fall, hard. Crossposted to Ao3.
1. Our First Kiss was on Accident

**Author Notes:**

Hi folks,  
This is going to be a roughly 10 chapter fic. I've got up through chapter 8 done. There will be eventual smut, and there is some character drama and minor character death in later chapters. This is my first longer fic, I would love feedback! I hope you enjoy the first cute and fluffy chapter! This is also crossposted to AO3.

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**Chapter 1:**

The First Time they Kissed was an Accident

* * *

It was Christmas time and the G5 were celebrating it at sea, on duty. The crew had taken to decorating the ship with wreaths and tinsel, which was fine, until someone found some mistletoe. The idiots had seen it as a hilarious prank, so they had placed it in a bunch of strange places as some kind of contest. It was aggravating, and Tashigi had spent the morning of Christmas Eve finding the damn things and taking them down.

She was pretty sure the one in the Mess Hall was the last one. As she was about to cut it down, one of her men said, very loudly, "Tashigi-chan, it's just a kiss. Are you scared?" which made her pause to reprimand him when the whole crowd in the hall started ribbing her about it. Tashigi sighed heavily, adjusting her glasses and hesitating. On one hand, it was a harmless festive joke, on the other, every time she walked under one of the damn things, one of her men immediately stepped forward to try to convince her to follow the tradition. She'd been late to a meeting with Vice Admiral Smoker by 10 whole minutes over this!

She glared at the entire hall, a slight pink rising on her cheeks. "Tashigi-chan, have you never been kissed, is that why you're so worried?" called someone, followed by "Don't worry Captain-chan, we'll defend you from kissing!" the whole hall was laughing now. She flushed darkly. This rankled her pride. Of course she'd been kissed before! She wasn't afraid, just irritated! However, this was the happiest her crew had been in weeks, since learning they'd be on duty for the holidays. She didn't really want to mess with morale, especially since it was pretty harmless. If her idiot men wanted to prank each other into kissing one another, then was it really worth putting up such a fuss about it?

Tashigi glared at them all and said loudly, "Alright, I'll leave this one up," pointing at the one above the Mess Hall doors. "Does that mean you want a kiss, Captain-chan?!" A few men stood up from their seats, meal forgotten. "No!" she cried, cheeks turning even redder. "Maybe she's worried she'll fall for one of us!" and the ribbing started up again. She rolled her eyes. Was this one of those situations where she needed to be seen as one of them to get their respect? "Fine, the next person who walks through that door gets a kiss, will that be enough to get you to shut up?" she growled, a tic forming on her forehead. The hall cheered and one of them started a betting pool. She made a disgusted face, and settled against the wall by the door. She'd keep her word.

It wasn't long before she heard footsteps. Tashigi placed her glasses on top of her head, preparing to move. She didn't want to know who it was, she didn't want to lose her nerve by seeing their face. Her hands started sweating a little bit, and she curled them into fists. It was just a silly kiss! She was a Marine dammit!

The moment she saw movement out of the corner of her eye, she went into motion. Tashigi grabbed onto his jacket, yanking whoever it was' face towards hers and she planted one right on his lips.

There was absolute silence, broken by the sound of someone dropping their cup onto the floor. It was over quickly (she noted that his lips were very soft in the back of her mind) and then she stepped past him, her eyes glued to the deck, stomping away from the Mess Hall, back ramrod straight, pink coat swirling around her ankles. She got maybe two or three steps before "Tashigi! What the hell?!" in a familiar gruff voice. Her throat dropped into her stomach. She turned around slowly in horror, her glasses falling back onto the bridge of her nose.

Vice Admiral Smoker stood in the doorway of the Mess Hall. Ah yes, this was Hell. Her whole face turned an impossible shade of red. But she couldn't not answer him! She raised a shaking hand and pointed above his head, then turned and fled to the other side of the ship.


	2. This Time We're Even

**Chapter 2:**

The Second Time they Kissed was to get Even

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It was 10 minutes to midnight, and the crew was drunk despite Smoker and Tashigi's best efforts to keep the idiots from getting trashed. He sighed, and snatched a bottle of Jerez from a table in the Mess Hall and left, seeking quiet. His crew was loud and boisterous at the best of times, obnoxious and maddening at the worst of times.

Smoker would be happy when this holiday season was over, the last few days had been awkward since Tashigi had kissed him. She'd been avoiding him as much as she could, and every time he saw her, her face would turn as pink as her coat and she'd vanish. It was absurd. He wasn't mad at her. Hell, if anything he was a little proud of her. She'd come a long way from the timid girl he'd taken on in Loguetown, she even talked back to him now. The backbone of steel he'd glimpsed years before was finally making itself obvious.

Most of the crew was partying in the Mess Hall and on the main deck, so he headed towards the crows nest. He could relieve the Ensign on watch and get some damn peace and quiet. He turned to smoke and floated up to the top, landing quietly. But it appeared that someone else had had the same idea. Despite his efforts to land quietly, his companion had turned around at the sound of his boots materializing on the platform. "Oh!" she squeaked. It was Tashigi, of course it was. She had her coat wrapped tightly around her against the cold. The sky was clear, but it felt cold enough to snow. "Um, Vice Admiral Smoker! I was just getting some air, I'll um, get out of your wa-" she made to move past him and Smoker sighed. Heavily.

"It's fine, Tashigi, stay," he made it sound more like an order than a request. Smoker longed for their familiar banter. She was one of the only sane people on this damn ship with him, and he valued that immensely. He stepped forward and walked the few feet to the railing, leaning his weight upon it, looking out at the ocean. She was fidgeting behind him. "Drink?" he asked gruffly, holding out his arm, bottle gripped in his hand. Tashigi was quiet for a moment, then he felt her reach out and take the alcohol from his hand. She joined him on the railing, a few feet from him. "Thanks," she whispered quietly, passing the bottle back to him. The stars twinkled brightly, and loud laughter from the Mess Hall echoed up to them. The warm light from the ship reflected off the ocean, giving their little patch of the sea a golden glow. He could see Tashigi's breath on the air from the corner of his eye. They stood there quietly for a moment, and honestly Smoker had no idea how to explain to her that he just wanted, needed, them to settle back into normalcy.

"I um, I...I'mreallysorrySmoker-san! Itwon'thappenagain, I'll-" he held up a hand to stop her panicked rambling. "Tashigi, I'm not mad," he grunted. "I got the facts from Ensign Markus," he turned to look at her then as she covered her eyes with a hand. "The men are all pretty cowed by your tenacity, now, as an upside," he chuckled. She was silent, then "Ugh, pigs," she muttered and he snorted in agreement.

Loud synchronized yelling drew both their attention down towards the deck and he furrowed his eyebrows before making out the drunken words. "5!" "Oh, already?" Tashigi said surprised. "4!" "What are they doing on deck?" Smoker muttered, his eyes catching a small group of them near the front of the ship. "3!" He and Tashigi shared a confused look, and Smoker noted that her cheeks were slightly pink in the cold, her lips slightly wet from the alcohol. "2!" "Is that...a cannon?" she muttered. "1! HAPPY NEW YEARS!" followed by a startlingly loud bang from yes, a cannon. Both his and Tashigi's eyes followed something bright and fast up into the sky, before it burst into bright fiery colors high above. "Fireworks?!" she cried. But Smoker's eyes had alighted on something hanging directly above their heads. This was way too good of an opportunity to pass up. They'd be even.

"Hey, Tashigi," he turned towards her fully, stepping closer. His movement pulled Tashigi's attention away from the fireworks and cheering down below. She opened her mouth, eyes questioning, and he pointed above them. Tashigi's eyes alighted on the mistletoe hanging from the rafters. Her eyes went wide and her eyebrows shot up above the rims of her glasses. He seized the moment, leaned down and pressed his lips against hers.

It was over quickly, and he stepped past her, heading for the ladder. He got about three steps before "Smoker-san?! W-what the hell?!" she was spluttering behind him and a smirk took over his face. He looked back at her, "Happy New Years Captain," before he turned into smoke and left.

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**Notes:**

So the drama starts next chapter. Let me know what you guys think! Again, this is crossposted to AO3. Thank you for reading!


	3. Kissing Awkwardly While Undercover

**Chapter 3:**

Smoker and Tashigi are undercover at a fancy party.

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The music from the small orchestra played an upbeat tune, the violins and base harmonizing into something she'd heard before but couldn't quite put her finger on. Tashigi was standing near the back of a large ballroom filled with men and women wearing fancy suits, gowns and masks. She held a drink in one hand, and shifted slightly from foot to foot. She was wearing a long slimming black dress with a tiny black shawl, black matching heels, and a black mask with red beads around the eyes to help disguise her glasses. She sighed, uncomfortable in her outfit. The dress hardly allowed her movement, and the heels? If she got into a sword fight right now, she'd fall and break an ankle before she could even exchange blows. Well, she'd also need her sword for that. Ugh.

"Tashigi, status?" came Smoker's rough voice in her ear over the baby den den mushi that was hidden in her hair. "No change," she muttered. They had been assigned to go undercover and find evidence of a drug smuggling ring on Goro Island in the New World. That was three months ago. Smoker was under the guise of a wealthy landowner who had just moved to the island, and Tashigi, his servant. Tonight though, she was playing the part of Ms. Scarlett Sarada, the daughter of a wealthy arms dealer.

It had taken them weeks to get invited to this party. An informant had told them that somewhere in this lavish mansion, a meeting of pirates and drug smugglers was supposed to be occurring. As much as she cared about bringing the pirates to justice, their direct objective was to uncover the civilian supporters who were facilitating the drugs spreading throughout the New World.

Their target of the evening was a man with a mustache that stuck out a foot on either side of his face, one Phobos Macklemore. Tashigi watched him jump around, flitting from guest to guest, chattering in a painfully high voice. Their informant had told them that he was supposed to be at the meeting tonight, so she and Smoker were determined to follow him, infiltrate or spy on the meeting, get the evidence they were looking for, and pull out.

But they had been at the party for three hours already, and it was approaching midnight. Tashigi's feet ached, her skin felt itchy from the dress, and she was sick of having to make small talk with the sycophants all around her. So, she'd retreated to the back of the ballroom for a few minutes. She glared out at the room, giving a scathing look at the bright lights, the plush velvet adornments, and the ladies in heels and skin tight dresses. The middle of the ballroom was filled with dancing couples and a few triples. Voices and high girlish laughter echoed off the high paneled walls and floor to ceiling windows with a view of the dark manor grounds, paths lit with candles and torches.

"Stay alert," he rumbled in her ear. She made a face into her drink. Easy for him to say, he at least had the fun job. He'd been playing cards in one of the ancillary rooms, picking up information on the big players. At the very least, he got to sit instead of standing in four inch heels for hours. She went back to watching Macklemore, his enormous ugly fur coat standing out amongst the crowd. He was currently surrounded by a group of tittering women and appeared to be trying to entice one of them into slipping off somewhere with him. Her eyebrow raised slightly. That would be the perfect cover to slip away from the party, make it seem like you were off to have a tryst, but really you would sneak away and conduct a different kind of illicit business.

"Target is up to something," she muttered into her ear. "Acknowledged," Smoker growled back. Movement off to her left caught Tashigi's eye. A man in a bright green suit was walking towards her. He was lean, and she could tell by the shape of his shoulders that he had muscles under his finery. She put a smile on her face as he approached.

"My my, what is a beautiful woman like yourself doing alone in the corner?" he was wearing a peacock mask which covered the top half of his face, and his blonde hair was slicked back. He smiled at her in what she assumed was supposed to be a friendly smile but it came off a little predatory. "Just catching my breath for a moment, this is quite the lively party, wouldn't you say Mr…?" she smiled and fanned herself slightly. "Please, call me Bowie, now would you be interested in a dance?" he offered her his hand and Tashigi's eyes flicked to her target. Macklemore had moved onto the dance floor in the middle of the room, a lady partner in tow. This would be a good opportunity to get near him. "You're in luck, Mr. Bowie, I feel the urge to dance again," she added a giggle at the end for extra effect.

"Excellent, I promise I'll be a perfect gentleman," he extended a hand to her and she took it, fluttering her eyelashes at him in a way that she hoped came off as flirtatious and not how it felt, which was a little deranged. They entered the dance floor after moving expertly through the crowd, his grip a little too strong for Tashigi's taste. The music was another lively number, with a little bit of a risque beat to it. Her eyes roved over and between the couples on the dance floor, trying to keep an eye on Macklemore and subtlety move herself towards him.

They moved in practiced motions, Tashigi trying hard to take the lead of the dance, her partner, matching her step for step. He was an accomplished dancer, and she wasn't making much progress on approaching Macklemore. During a twirl, she caught a glimpse of Macklemore whispering something into his partner's ear. She was so focused on Macklemore that she stumbled slightly in surprise when Bowie's hand slipped dangerously low on her hip. She quickly covered it up with a high girlish giggle. "Whoops, I suppose I've had a little too much to drink," she tried to shift his hand a bit higher but he shifted it instead to the small of her back and pulled her close. "Don't worry my lady, I won't let you fall," he whispered into the shell of her ear. The same one with the den den mushi earring. Heat climbed up her face. She knew Smoker had heard that. Tashigi closed her eyes briefly in mortification.

When she reopened them, she glanced quickly about the dance floor, and spotted Macklemore on the other end of the ballroom, moving away quickly. He and his partner were leaning into each other and being far too touchy feely. He was making his break. Shit!

"You know, I am feeling a bit woozy, I think I will go and get some water," she pushed at her dance partner's shoulders. "So soon? How about one more dance?" he purred into her ear. The orchestra suddenly started up a new song. A slow and sensual one. "Uh, I really don't-" she squeaked, his hand slipping to cup her bottom. "I really do insist my lady, I promise I'll be gentle," he muttered, his tongue sliding along the shell of her ear. She went rigid, then pushed sharply at his chest, but he clung onto her. Now his smile was definitely predatory.

"Excuse me, may I cut in?" both she and Bowie froze, and turned towards the voice. Vice Admiral Smoker in a tailored black suit and white tie was offering her his hand. He was taller than Bowie by a good half foot, and far broader in the shoulders. Though they'd been in disguise for months, seeing him out of uniform (or with a shirt on) was jarring. He looked good though. His pale eyes locked with hers, the contacts to cover his true brown were still weird. She missed his normal eyes, and their normal marine lives. Tashigi was very over this mission.

Bowie puffed up, pulling himself to his full height, "I think n-" Tashigi took the opportunity to yank her hand out of his. "Yes, sir, you may!" she cut Bowie off and he narrowed his eyes at her but then reluctantly bowed and backed off with a slight bow. Smoker took her hand then led her a little bit away, towards the edge of the ballroom in the direction she'd seen Macklemore going. He placed his hand on her hip (appropriately!) and pulled her close to him. Tashigi placed her arms around his neck and caught the slight scent of tobacco. Her face felt flushed. She'd dragged this man off battlefields and pulled him out of the ocean while he vomited seawater, but somehow this felt far more intimate. "Um...thanks," she breathed awkwardly. He inclined his head slightly. "Macklemore slip away?" he muttered. "Saw him go out the doors over there with a lady friend, can't have gotten too far," Tashigi whispered up to him, tilting her head toward a pair of double doors in the back of the room.

"We'll wait till this song is over, then hunt him down," Smoker said, the authority in his voice making her relax a little. She really looked forward to getting back on the ship and listening to him curse and yell at the idiots they commanded. A return to normalcy. Tashigi gave him a tiny curt nod. They swayed for a moment and he led her in a tight spin, her back pressing against his chest for a moment. "Surprised you haven't tripped and broken something yet," he smirked. Tashigi gave him a look. "Surprised you can keep your shirt buttoned," she shot back. He grinned, there it was again, the back talk. "There's a place for rules," Smoker leaned Tashigi back and she rolled her eyes as she came back up. "But not when I ask you to keep my shirt closed?" she pouted slightly.

Remembering the forced body switch made her cheeks turn pink. Tashigi worked hard to be seen as a competent officer, a competent swordswoman, and she felt that showing off her body detracted from that image. "You're never going to let that go, are you?" Smoker rumbled. His mouth was next to her ear. "Are you ever going to let go of me making you look weak in front of Straw Hat?" she tapped the back of their joined hands with her fingers, leaning her face against his chest as he pulled her close again after another pirouette. "Fine, truce then." Smoker's voice rumbled through his chest. "You're the boss," she muttered, and he snorted.

The party didn't seem so bad at that moment, the soft lights and the warmth from the fireplaces were far less aggravating than before. This was...nice, twirling on the dance floor, Smoker's warm hand in hers. It was this thought that made Tashigi stiffen and pull back from him a little. Smoker also stiffened, or maybe she imagined it? The song was ending, and Smoker jerked his head at the door. She nodded and they left the dance floor arm in arm, Tashigi feeling awkward as she played up the lovers angle with him.

Once through the doors, they were in a darker servants hallway. "Phew, nice to get away from "high society"," Tashigi muttered, disengaging from Smoker. They looked around quickly, and the hallway appeared to be empty. "Alright, let's find our man," Smoker muttered. Tashgi narrowed her eyes, picturing the layout of the building that she'd memorized a few days prior. "If I remember correctly, the left leads to the kitchen, but the right, towards guest rooms…" she said, looking left and then right. "If he's with a partner, right makes sense," Smoker began walking brusquely. Tashigi hurried after him.

They followed the hallway for a while till it came to a closed door. Smoker listened at the door while Tashigi watched their backs. He caught her attention, placed his finger to his lips and slowly opened the door a crack, glancing out. After a moment, he gestured for her to follow him and they slipped out into the Guest Wing. "There's likely a secret passage in one of these rooms," Smoker muttered. Tashigi hummed in agreement. He stepped close to the first door on the left, glancing at her. "Listen at the doors, see if we can find them that way." She nodded and took the right side.

There were 5 guest rooms on the ground floor of the Guest Wing, two rooms on either side of the hallway, and one at the end of the hall. She pressed her ear up against the first door and listened carefully. She glanced over at Smoker and noted that he had turned to smoke, slipping through the crack at the bottom of the door. She felt envious for just a second, then refocused on her task. The first room sounded empty. She placed her hand on the door handle, and pushed down slightly. It was locked. Interesting. She left it and went over to the second door, leaning against it, listening intently. Nothing. She pressed on the handle. Unlocked. Her eyes flicked to Smoker, who had reappeared at the end of the hall, checking the last door. She pressed the handle down and slowly pushed the door open. The room was dark, but she could make out the shape of a large bed in the middle of it, and a desk near the back wall. She frowned as Smoker appeared beside her, startling her.

"All clear," he growled. "This one too," she gestured at the room in front of them. "Though that one is locked," she pointed to the first door she'd tried. He began to turn to smoke, planning on investigating the locked room as Tashigi started closing the door to the empty room in front of them but froze. She could hear voices approaching from the servant's hallway. She and Smoker looked at eachother, before he pushed her inside the room, shutting the door quickly and quietly behind them.

Tashigi backed away from the door, watching it with wide eyes as the voices entered the Guest Wing. "Is it this one?" came a deep masculine voice. "Uh…" a nasally voice responded.

The first voice sighed, "Don't tell me you forgot again."

"Weeeeeeeelllll, nooo…" there was silence for a second and Tashigi and Smoker glanced at each other. The voices had stopped right outside the door to their hiding place. Her hands started sweating. She was suddenly very aware of her lack of weapons.

"Yes, okay, I forgot," nasal voice said sheepishly. The first voice sighed heavily, like the weight of the world was dragging him down. "Try them all then," he hissed, followed by "Fucking imbecile." "Who are you calling an imbecile?!" the nasally voice rose an octave in pitch. "You, you dumbass! Just try the doors, we're going to be late to the meeting!" the first voice hissed and there was a whacking sound, like he'd smacked his partner. Tashigi's eyes widened in horror as the handle on the door turned.

Tashigi cursed internally, backing away from the door faster, but she wasn't paying attention to her footing, tripping on the carpet and falling backward with a squeak onto the bed. While her commander could disappear, she couldn't! Time slowed and Smoker's form moved over hers, his body covering hers. The door opened. Tashigi's eyes locked with Smoker's. Their lips met. Her brain stopped.

"Whoops! Sorry folks!" the nasally voice said, leering at them from the open doorway. He had what looked like a onesie on under a large black coat, and a badly styled mohawk. Tashigi's face turned tomato red and she yelped in embarrassment. "Get the hell out!" Smoker barked. The intruder held his hands placatingly in front of him and backed out closing the door behind him, but not before saying "Have a fun evening!" and winking.

The door shut and they were plunged into the near darkness once more. Neither of them moved for a moment. Tashigi became very aware of how they were touching. Smoker's strong arms braced on either side of her head, one of his legs between hers, her arms were above her head, and his face just a few scant inches from hers. That's when she made the mistake of meeting his eyes. They stared at each other for a second.

"Ah, it's this door! Get the damn key out," came the masculine voice, snarling at his partner. Smoker practically threw himself off of her as she rolled over to the other side of the bed in the same instant. Her face felt like it was on fire. Oh god how could she ever look him in the eyes again?! Ugh, this was worse than Christmas! The sound of a door opening, closing, followed by quick footsteps and then a weird grinding noise inside the room next to them filled up the thick silence.

The sound of footsteps descending, then slowly fading into silence. "C'mon, let's get these bastards and get the hell out of here," Smoker growled. She glanced over at him, his shoulders were rigid, and he wasn't looking at her, but at the door. She wasn't sure because it was dark, but...was that a blush high on his cheeks? It took her a second to find her voice, but she squeaked out a "Yes, Sir!" and followed him from the room.

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Notes:

Is this trope-y as hell? Yes.

Can anyone stop me? No :D

This chapter starts the background plot.

As always, any feedback is welcome! Thank you for reading!


	4. Sometimes You just Can't help It

**Chapter 4:**

Sometimes You just Can't Help It

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**A week back on deck with the G-5:**

The mechanical clock hanging on the wall of Smoker's office told him it was 10PM. Smoker rubbed his eyes tiredly, then glanced back down at the papers in front of him, but the words on the papers kept blurring together. He sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. He needed sleep, or at least a break. The intel he and Tashigi had collected could wait till the next morning. While they hadn't figured out the suppliers of the drugs, they had determined the primary pirate crew in charge of the distribution, the Rooster Pirates. He would hunt them down and take them out, it was just a matter of time.

Smoker had to get used to a ship's schedule again after being undercover for so long, and he had a huge mountain of paperwork to get through. Being a Vice Admiral was great, except for the paperwork. He imagined Tashigi had even more to deal with though, as all the ensigns and Lieutenants reported directly to her, and she had additional reports from the main base. Only after filtering through them would she give him her report with the salient bits.

He hadn't seen her for the last few days. They'd gone separate ways after managing to get the information they needed about the supply chain, and had to pull out of undercover work separately so as not to raise suspicion. He was supposed to have a meeting with her and the other officers on board tomorrow at 0600. The thought of seeing her gave him a strange feeling and Smoker frowned. Tashigi's face inches from his own, her eyes wide, blush visible even in the dark suddenly accosted him and Smoker sucked in a breath. Yep, he needed to sleep.

Standing up, Smoker grabbed his coat and strode towards his office door. He yanked it open with more force than necessary and nearly collided with someone. He grunted in surprise, arm shooting out to steady his unexpected visitor as they stumbled backward. She yelped in surprise and Smoker recognized her voice. Tashigi. He stared at her for a moment, and she stared back, brown eyes wide and flicking between his hand on her shoulder, his face, his chest, and quickly back to his face again. Pink was rising quickly on her cheeks and the last time he'd seen her blush flashed before his eyes. He snatched his hand from her shoulder like he'd been burned.

"T-thank you, Smoker-san," she tucked an errant bang behind her ear, pointedly looking away from him. He grunted in response. "What is it, Captain?" he asked, and he could have sworn she flinched slightly. "I um, do you have a moment?" she squeaked. The errant bang slipped back in front of Tashigi's face and for a moment he had to fight the urge to tuck it back behind her ear. God, he needed a smoke.

"Can it wait?" he asked, his voice sounded a little strained. Tashigi looked at him quickly, biting her bottom lip, indecision warring across her face. "Y-yes, Sir, of course! Um, have a good night!" she saluted him. He nodded, and immediately headed for top side, listening to her footsteps fade away as she walked quickly down into the belly of the ship.

**1.5 weeks back on deck with the G-5:**

He was speaking with Ensign Lao about a problem with the ship's cannons when Smoker saw Tashigi approaching him. It was raining, her hair stuck to her neck, her pink coat, heavy with water, clung to her curves in a way that made him clench his teeth. Suddenly his paperwork was calling to him. He directed Ensign Lao to Tashigi instead and stalked back down below the deck to the sanctity of his office. Smoker didn't miss the strange, anxious expression on her face though.

**2 weeks back on deck with the G-5:**

It was late afternoon when Smoker left the Bridge, heading for the Mess Hall. He planned to eat, then get right to the pile of papers on his desk in his office. He was making real progress on figuring out the next drop point for the Rooster Pirates. The moment he stepped outside, a gust of icy wind cut right through him, making his thick coat seem paper thin. He was lucky his power kept his body running at a higher temperature than the average human.

The weather had been downright miserable for the last week, rain, thunder storms, big waves, the works. At least they hadn't had to deal with water spouts. His navigator had just mentioned that they were likely entering a winter zone over the next couple of days, which he vastly preferred over constant rain.

Smoker strode quickly towards the Mess Hall, the sound of laughter and warm food wafting out of it. Entering the hall, the heat from the ovens and bodies packed into the room made his jacket now feel too heavy. It was packed more than usual, the weather preventing other usual topside activities. Every table was crowded, and Smoker could see that one of the tables in the back was engaged in an arm wrestling contest.

The moment he walked in, there was a chorus of "Smo-yan!" and "Sir!" from a bunch of officers and they moved out of his way as he went to grab a bowl of soup. Only a few minutes after he'd grabbed his food and settled at a table, came another chorus of greetings, these ones much louder than the ones he'd received. "Tashigi-chan!" Smoker flicked his eyes toward the entrance. Tashigi walked in, wearing a scarf and gloves to match her pink coat. Despite the extra layers, she looked frozen.

She sighed with visible relief as she entered the hall, making a beeline for the food counter. Smoker looked back at his soup, taking a few sips, watching her out of the corner of his eye.

The cooks were always quick to serve her, the crew practically falling over backward for her.

He snorted quietly, knowing that she hated their fawning attention. Most of the crew meant well, but he knew she saw it as sexist. There weren't that many women in the Navy to begin with, and he could count the number in the G-5 on one hand. Once she got her food, it appeared that he wasn't the only one watching her. "Tashigi-chan! Sit here! We'll keep you warm!" shouted one of the men and Smoker grit his teeth. She glared out at the room, looking for the offender, a blush creeping up her cheeks. Her eyes landed on him, and their eyes locked for a moment. She went a deep shade of red, and Smoker looked away from her, lips suddenly tingling from the memory of how warm hers had been against his.

The room was suddenly far too warm for his tastes, his quiet office calling to him like a siren. He eyed his soup, downed it in a few gulps, and stood to leave. "Sir?" came her voice from behind him. The moment their crewmates had seen her go towards him, they'd stopped trying to get her attention. He turned to look at her. "Can I, can I talk to you for a moment?" the tip of Tashigi's nose and lips were pink with cold and his throat went dry.

"Later," he grunted, and ignored the flash of hurt in her eyes as he headed back outside into the icy wind and rain.

**2.5 weeks back on deck with the G-5:**

His navigator had turned out to be correct, they had indeed entered a winter zone. But on the upside, it had stopped raining. Smoker was up early, walking the deck, thinking about the Rooster Pirates. He had worked out their route, and was now trying to put together a plan of action for intercepting them. His office had a stale smell to it, making him crave the fresh air. As he headed towards the back of the ship, the sounds of quick footwork, and the unmistakable sound of metal flashing quickly through the air reached his ears. Below him, on the main deck, in a large open space cleared of snow, Tashigi was going through her sword practice. She was breathing heavily, wearing lighter clothing despite the cold. Smoker came to a stop, watching her. She went through her katas quickly and efficiently, but he could tell something was on her mind because there were little mistakes in her stances, in her thrusts. Her weight was slightly off center, her movements lacked focus, and the way she wielded her sword was off.

What was she doing training this early? It was practically the crack of dawn, she didn't need to be up for hours yet. She was also training alone. Normally she either practiced with a few other swordsmen or with him. Most often with him, but he hadn't sparred with her in weeks. He pulled out a cigar and took a long drag on it.

The wind shifted, blowing the scent of tobacco down towards her. Tashigi froze suddenly, turned and looked straight at him. Her face was flushed, chest heaving from exertion. She bit her bottom lip. Smoker's heart skipped a beat. If she wanted to train alone, he'd best leave her to it. He turned and headed back towards his office. Tashigi resumed her training with a yell.

**3 weeks back on deck with the G-5:**

He'd had a breakthrough. Smoker knew where and how he wanted to engage the Rooster Pirates. He took a long drag on his cigars, staring out at the gray ocean from the Crows Nest, his breath a plume of mist in the cold air. The ocean was calm in the barest dawn light, the last stars just starting to fade in the periwinkle sky. He'd radioed to headquarters with his updated plan an hour prior, and figured he would catch the messenger bird and the News Coo since he was up. He hadn't slept at all, too focused on his plan. They should be in route towards Red Skull Island, and if he could catch them at their drop point before they reached the island, then the drug ring would be thrown into chaos, exposing their big players in the panic and scramble. He hoped that the messenger bird would have the intel on the Rooster crew members numbers and abilities. In a few hours time, he'd have the navigator chart a new course.

Footsteps on the ladder behind him caught Smoker's attention. "Oh!" came her little exclaim of surprise. Tashigi. "You're up early Sir," she said quietly, climbing up onto the platform. He grunted in response. She stood quietly behind him. They were alone, like on New Years Eve. His heart gave a painful thump. Movement in the distance over the ocean caught his eye.

"Vice Admiral Smoker...Sir, can we...can we talk?" her voice came out strained.

The shape of the messenger bird materialized quickly. "One second," he muttered. He hadn't looked at her, but that didn't stop him from picturing how she had looked on New Years Eve. The softness of her lips, the blush on her face.

The bird landed with a squawk and Smoker hastily took it's package, opening it and scanning over it. Yes, this was the intel he was waiting for. He needed to review it. "Sir?" came Tashigi's voice. "Not right now, Captain," he growled, then quickly turned to smoke and made for his office. He hadn't looked at her, not once, and pretended he hadn't felt a pang of sadness over it.

**3.5 weeks back on deck with the G-5:**

The sun was bright above the deck of the G-5 warship, but the temperature was mild. There wasn't much of a headwind, the weather down right nice, and better still, stable for the moment. Smoker breathed out a puff of smoke from his cigars, watching it trail lazily upwards and disappear. He'd set course to intercept the Roosters, and the G-5 had been following that course for a few days now.

He leaned back in his chair on the deck, the empty seat beside him nagging his peripheral vision. His eyebrows drew downward into a deep frown, the good weather doing nothing to alleviate his sour mood. Now that he'd caught up on paperwork and concocted his plan for the Roosters, he had some free time to think.

Thinking brought him to the _issue _. The _Tashigi _issue. It had been a few weeks since he and Tashigi had returned to their real, regular lives. He had thought (hoped) that returning to their normal routine would have stopped the awkwardness that hung between them, but it hadn't. Something had shifted, and it hadn't shifted back.

Tashigi. He could picture her clearly, black hair pulled back, shoulders straight, pink coat wrapped around her shoulders. She was cordial to him in meetings, but the familiar camaraderie between them was absent. He blew out another plume of smoke. He turned the last few weeks over in his mind, starting with catching her looking at him (more than once) with an anxious expression out of the corner of his eye.

Of all the ways he could have handled their close shave with being caught nearly a month prior, Smoker had chosen the most awkward one. He pictured her underneath him again, the way her tongue had darted out to lick her lips inadvertently. How the shadows played across her skin. Her soft lips beneath his. Smoker shook his head, crossed his legs, glaring out at the ocean. He was old enough to know better than this. What the hell had made him do it? He grit his teeth, grinding into his cigars. He shouldn't have danced with her either. Being so close with her, the strange, but comfortable feeling of intimacy. The way she bantered and smiled at him. He had no one to blame but himself for this.

Smoker felt stupid as he wracked his brain to figure out how to fix this. Because he missed her. He felt an ache when he looked at or spoke with her. He knew what he did was awkward and inappropriate, but he had hoped that she would have stopped avoiding him by now. They were adults, they could talk about this right? His eyebrow twitched and Smoker sighed. He needed to speak with Tashigi. He could take that first step fo- wait. Something niggled the back of his mind, thoughts flashing quickly, connecting the dots. Tashigi outside his office, Tashigi early in the morning, _the looks _. Shame filled his chest and he smacked the palm of his hand against his forehead. _He, _White Chase Smoker, a Navy Vice Admiral, was avoiding _her _, not the other way around.

He took another deep drag on his cigars, letting the nicotine fill him up. Smoker closed his eyes and focused solely on the sounds of the ocean, the breeze, his own breaths. Soft, somewhat shy footsteps approached from behind him. It was Tashigi. He knew her too well.

"Vice Admiral? Am I interrupting you?" Tashigi's voice asked softly. It was Vice Admiral now? That bothered him, when had that started? He ran over their recent interactions quickly. She had tried to talk to him last week outside the Mess Hall, and a week before that he'd nearly bowled her over when he'd come out of his office late in the evening, and she'd tried to speak to him a few days ago early in the morning, far earlier than she was normally up. And every time he had rebuffed her, holing himself up in his office, or having to meet with their lieutenants, or...shit. He really had been avoiding her. It wasn't her this time, it was him.

He turned to look at Tashigi and felt like he was truly seeing her for the first time in weeks. She had dark circles under her eyes, an anxious look to her lips. Tashigi always worried the hell out of her bottom lip when she was nervous about something. She was looking at him in sneaking glances, keeping her eyes downcast. She'd been chewing her nails too. Guilt stabbed through him. She probably thought he was angry at her.

"Everything alright?" Smoker asked. She opened her mouth, shut it, then opened it again, and bit her lip. He sighed. "Spit it out Tashigi," he muttered. He heard her suck in a breathe then "I was wondering if you had time to help me with my sword technique? I've been trying to work something out for a while and you're better at this than anyone else on board an-and it's fine if you don't have the time, I understand, I just-" Smoker held up a hand to stop her. She was rambling, a sure sign of her anxiety if there was any. Guilt stabbed him again, sharply. He was a bastard.

It wasn't her fault that he couldn't get her out of his head, and she deserved better, far better. He was the one being an idiot and catching some... minor infatuation. He'd had enough girlfriends in the past to recognize the signs. But Smoker couldn't let his feelings get in the way of his relationship with Tashigi. Not with her. She was different, she always had been.

"Yes, I'll help you," he stood up from his chair. Tashigi stared at him for a second and a tiny hopeful smile appeared on her face. It made his heart do something weird. "Thank you, Sir," she whispered. They headed for the back of the ship, where it was less crowded and they had a bit of space to spar properly. She pulled her jacket off and placed it down a little ways away from them, Smoker did the same, pulling his jitte out and taking a defensive stance in front of her. She unsheathed her blade, and looked at him intently.

"Don't hold back," he growled at her and she frowned, then nodded. Was he seeing things, or did her brown eyes hold a bit of anger in them? Tashigi rushed him, and he met her first thrust with a loud clash, the force reverberating up his arm. She dropped suddenly and went to kick his legs out from under him but he turned to smoke and she rolled away from him, dodging his jitte's downward swipe. She came up and charged him again. No, he wasn't imagining it, Tashigi definitely looked angry.

This time she focused on attacking him directly, forcing him on the defensive. They met strike for strike and Tashigi snarled at him "Don't hold back!" as she knocked his jitte out of the way, and punched him in the jaw with haki. He staggered back a foot from the blow. "Thought you wanted to practice sword fighting?" Smoker growled, as he turned to smoke and surged towards her, now forcing her on the defensive. The sound of steel on steel reverberated around them, and Smoker saw an opening when she parried him. In smoke form, he kicked Tashigi's legs out from under her. She went down, barely blocking Smoker's jitte with her sword as he aimed for her head. She glared up at him and twisted, forcing the tip of Smoker's weapon into the deck while she scrambled away.

They squared off again, Tashigi's face tight with anger. Both of them breathing heavily. They circled each other slowly, Smoker's eyes narrowing. What the hell was she doing? They both knew he was stronger than her, he had a decade of experience on her, more powerful haki, and his devil fruit abilities. With a shout, Tashigi charged him again. Smoker dodged her sword swipe at his face, turned to smoke and kicked her, hard, in the solar plexus. She skidded backwards, gasping for breath, but stayed on her feet. Irritation prickled across the back of his neck and his jaw clenched.

He wasn't normally this rough with her, Smoker realized. He didn't pull punches, but he would correct her stances, or offer advice, strategy. Whatever they were doing right now, it wasn't normal. This was a brawl.

Tashigi looked up at him from under her bangs and something in her stance made him wary. She tightened her grip on her sword, looked him dead in the eye, and shot towards him with a yell, slashing at him so quickly he didn't have time to dodge. It was instinctively turning to smoke that saved him as the power of Tashigi's slash ripped through him and exploded over the ocean, the water erupting in a spray, the energy from her blade visible in the sunlight. She stared at him, eyes wide with shock, before turning slowly to look at her sword, the metal steaming. He reformed a foot away from her, heart pounding, pride bursting in his chest. That was new. Tashigi turned slowly to look up at him, a smile brighter than the sun breaking out across her face. Everything faded away except for her and her utterly breathless smile. She was stunning.

Smoker was moving before his brain could stop him, pulling her close and crushing his lips against hers. The world went quiet. Her lips were soft, and warm, her chest pressed against his as Smoker's arm curled around her small waist. A moment passed before Tashigi gasped into his mouth and suddenly his brain caught up with him. _Smoker you fucking idiot. _He started to pull back, but she came with him, her arms wrapping around his neck, her fingers slipping into his hair. Tashigi looked into his eyes, as he froze in place. Her pupils blown wide as she pressed her lips to his gently, hesitantly. Kissing him back. Brain on autopilot, Smoker brought his hand up and tentatively cupped her face. She leaned against him, and his other hand landed on her waist. Tashigi's eyes fluttered closed.

They broke apart and Smoker rested his forehead against Tashigi's as they both breathed for a moment. Something inside him eased and he wanted to laugh. Or run. He wasn't sure. A small smile appeared on Tashigi's face, her eyes flicking to his lips. "S-Smoker-san..?" Her cheeks were pink and she looked at him with an expression somewhere between disbelief and joy. "I…" for once Smoker was at a total loss for words.

Right at that second, the alarm klaxon on the warship went off and Smoker felt like he'd been doused in ice water. They both stepped away from each other as an ensign in the crows nest shouted "PIRATES STARBOARD!"

* * *

**Notes: **

Writing Smoker is fun because he is dumb but has enough self awareness to recognize when he is being dumb. That's rare folks.

The next few chapters are a bit dramatic. I'd love some feedback on the fight scene, I haven't written many of them before.

As always, thanks for reading! Also, you can find me on twitter buggyisbest  
3


	5. Stay with Me

**Chapter 5: Stay with Me**

They say near death experiences bring people together.

* * *

It was dark, the sun had gone down over an hour before and the moon was just rising. Smoke from gun fire and cannons clogged the air as Tashigi shouted orders at her men from the prow of their warship. Her right shoulder ached, as she'd taken a club to it earlier before managing to cut down her opponent. The G-5 had taken control of the battle at long last and were now rooting out the remaining pirates and capturing them. But their losses had been great. Tashigi's eyes welled with angry tears as she looked at the marines being laid out on the deck, never again to wake. She tore her gaze away and glared at the island, needing to direct her anger at something.

"Captain-chan! We can't get in contact with Smo-yan!" an Ensign cried, blood dribbling into his eye as he rushed up to her. She blinked, dread filling her chest. "Comb the island for survivors, I'm going after the Vice Admiral!" she ordered. The ensign saluted and ran off. Tashigi bit her lip. When the battle had begun, a group of the pirates, including their Captain, Merill Quid, had split off. Smoker-san had ordered her to round up the rest of the pirates and direct the men while he went after Quid, taking a contingent of men with him.

He should have been back by now.

She scrambled down the gangway and onto the dock at a run. She didn't bother taking any soldiers with her, she didn't want them to slow her down. Tashigi's feet hit the sand as she headed along the north coast of the island, keeping the dark mass of mangrove trees in the center of the sandbar on her left. The coast was bisected by one of the aforementioned trees and as Tashigi scrambled around it, her foot hit something. She went down with a yelp, hitting the sand and rolling. She came to a stop, breath whooshing out of her chest. "Dammit," she groaned. One of her lenses had cracked in the fall. She got to her feet shakily, and froze.

Pirates and marines alike lay in pools of blood soaking into the sand. A body was floating face down in the surf, the white Marine uniform glowing under the moonlight. Bile rose up her throat and she gagged. "What happened here?" she whispered, placing her hand over her mouth. She scanned the bodies quickly, none of them were Smoker, but she could tell he'd been here. There were craters in the sand, a path of destruction through the trees. A path for her to follow. "C-Captain-chan…" came a pained moan. Tashigi whipped her head around. Leaning against the trunk of a mangrove was one of her men. She rushed towards him. "Hold on soldier, help is coming!" She crouched down by his side, reaching for her den den mushi. He had a horrible wound to his abdomen, and strange cuts across his body. "No, no time," he gasped, reaching out and grasping her coat with a shaking bloody hand. "Smo-yan...danger, enemy can...reopen old wounds…" ice cold flooded her veins. The light was fading from his eyes, and a few moments later his hand dropped to the sand.

Anger suffused through her as Tashigi closed her soldier's eyes. Standing up, she turned down the path of destruction through the center of the island. The moonlight made it a bit easier to see, but shadows loomed in from the trees. Broken branches and churned up earth made for difficult terrain but she rushed anyway.

Her thoughts raced. Reopening old wounds would be dangerous for anyone, but Smoker had been nearly killed enough times that it would be especially dangerous. Tashigi's hands shook. He would be fine, it was Smoker, nothing took him down (except…). He was too stubborn to die (except…). She bit her lip and vaulted over a smashed tree trunk. The eerie quiet set her teeth on edge. If the battle was still going, surely she would have been able to hear it, the island was long, not wide. "Smoker-san!" she yelled. Her voice echoed off the trees.

The signs of the battle grew more erratic and Tashigi knew she must be near where they came to a head. If she was right, she was now on the east side of the island. She could hear the ocean clearly again. "Smoker-san!" Tashigi cried desperately, not bothering with being quiet. If the enemy was still alive, she'd end him herself. She gripped Shigure as she scrambled through the branches of another downed mangrove, it's enormous roots casting demonic shadows across the ground.

Once through, Tashigi halted, staring at the landscape before her. The island curved into a sort-of bay here. The sand had been churned into unnatural craters and dips, the ocean rushing into the newly carved cracks and inlets. The few trees that had once sat on the bank were torn out of the ground, one of them floating in the water, buffeted by the waves. Moonlight colored everything in haunting shades of blue and gray.

Tashigi's eyes alighted on something pale white at the base of one of the downed trees and her heart stopped, cold filling her lungs. Oh no. "Smoker-san!" she cried, rushing over to him, nearly tripping in the sand. She crashed to her knees next to him, horror making her hands tremble. He was sitting with his back against the trunk, the sand below him dark with blood. "Smoker-san, can you hear me?!" Tashigi's voice cracked as she pressed her fingers to his neck. He was freezing. Smoker's eyes opened slowly and half focused on her. "Quid, in the water," he growled, his breathing harsh. The ocean was seeping under the tree trunk as the tide came in. He was clutching his side. A harsh sigh of relief expelled itself from her lungs, Smoker was still alive. She smiled at him weakly. "Can you lean on me? The tide is coming in," she crouched next to him.

He gave a pained grunt, and Tashigi lifted the both of them with some difficulty. They stumbled over the sand before he slipped to his knees. "Smoker-san?!" she caught him as he fell, his breathing labored, and Tashigi got her first look at his injuries. Her eyes widened in horror. It was bad. Really bad. Despite being a logia user, Smoker had taken his fair share of hits in the past, and had the scars to prove it. His abdomen looked like it had been shredded, Doflamingo's work reborn. Her eyes filled with hot angry tears.

"Fucking pirates," Smoker cursed, as Tashigi ripped her jacket off and placed it on top of him, trying to both warm him up and staunch the bleeding. Numbness flooded through her. Smoker had lost so much blood, he'd nearly died the last time he'd received these injuries, and there had been medics nearby then. Tashigi dug into her pocket, fingers slippery with blood, fumbling for her den den mushi. Yanking it out, she cried into it "I need a medic! NOW! East Side Shore! Repeat Medic east shore! Over!" there was no answer for a moment, then the voice of their Chief Medical Officer responded, "Received, medic in route Tashigi-chan! Is Smo-yan okay?! Over!"

"I need a full evac team, just hurry! Over!" she hung up, unable to answer. Because no, Smoker was not okay. She suddenly felt so small as she cradled his head in her lap, brushing a few short blood stained white locks off his forehead. His breathing was labored and wet, not a good sign. She took his hand in hers, gripping it tight. "Medics inbound, Sir. Just hang on," she whispered. Smoker opened his eyes and with a blood stained hand, touched her face, cupping her cheek. Tashigi reached up a shaking hand and placed it over his. His eyes unfocused and closed slowly. Dread creeped up her spine, his breathing was getting fainter. "Smoker-san?" she jostled his shoulder, but he was slipping in and out of consciousness. "Stay with me Sir!" she whispered, throat tight, clutching his hand tightly. She couldn't lose him now, not after earlier, not after the last few weeks. He reopened his eyes, and she leaned down, pressing her lips against his, "Stay with me." She could hear the sound of the medic team crashing through the mangrove trees behind them.

* * *

**Notes:**

This isn't uhhh...happy, but Happy Valentines Day I guess.

The drama escalated quickly, I know.  
Let me know your thoughts, and as always, thanks for reading!

You can also find me on Twitter at buggyisbest


	6. Raw Intensity

**Chapter 6: Raw Intensity**

When the shit hits the fan, at least they have each other.

* * *

"Captain-chan, what should we do with... our men?" Tashigi stared at Ensign Goe, not fully comprehending what he was saying to her. Normally Lieutenant Pei was who would be reporting to her, but that wasn't possible now. "Captain-chan?" the Ensign asked again. Tashigi blinked and shook her head. "My apologies Ensign, please work with Doctor Tarrel, and prepare the...bodies for transport." She adjusted her glasses with a shaking hand. Ensign Goe nodded, saluted and left. "Captain-chan, you're needed on the bridge!" called an officer as he rushed past her, heading below decks. She inclined her head and turned away from the body bags being arranged on the deck.

"Navigator-san, please set course to return to base," was the first thing out of her mouth when she entered the Bridge, closing the door behind her. There were only two other officers, besides herself and the Navigator, half of their number missing. It felt wrong. "Of course, Captain-chan," he jumped to comply. "I'm assuming command until further notice," she said, her throat suddenly tight. The other two officers looked at each other, then back to her and nodded. "Report," she sighed, and wondered if it was the light that made her officers look pale, or if like her, they felt like death still walked too close to them.

Tashigi stood inside her quarters, and splashed water on her face. She grasped the edge of the small white sink with shaking hands. There was still blood under her fingernails, in her hair. Smoker's blood. The ship was quiet but for the sound of the ocean. Her breathing sounded too loud in her ears. It was past midnight and Tashigi had been awake for 19 hours.

She hadn't eaten anything, had barely even gotten the chance to sit down. It was all go once the G-5 had engaged the Rooster Pirates. What should have been a routine and quick ambush had lasted hours. The intel they had received on the Roosters was wrong, a near deadly mistake. The Roosters were far stronger than they seemed, especially their Captain, one Merill Quid. The G-5 had lost 15 men, and another 12 were unfit for duty.

The shower squeaked as she turned it on, the steam filling the small space and blurring out it's hard edges. Tashigi stepped in, the sudden harsh heat hitting her body making her gasp. The shock of the present chased the ghosts in her head away, but neglected to replace them with anything, the resulting emptiness leaving her adrift. The water turned red and ran in rivulets down the drain.

Tashigi blinked and she was sitting on her bed in a towel. It was dark and silent in her quarters. A pirate shoving his cutlass through the throat of the marine next to her flashed before her eyes and Tashigi covered her face, sucking in a deep breath. There would be no sleeping tonight. She needed to do something. Anything. She pulled on a maroon shirt and simple pants, quickly leaving her room and the ghosts behind her.

She wandered the belly of the ship, her footsteps echoing. She passed few of her men on duty, keeping the ship running, keeping them safe. She walked on autopilot, everything fuzzy around the edges.

A door in front of her made her blink. She had no real recollection of getting here, but of course this is where she would go. It was 1AM, and Tashigi stood outside Smoker's quarters. The fuzziness in her head faded, giving way to something else. She hadn't seen him since they brought him back to the ship. Unconscious, covered in blood, his blood on her hands. A cold sweat broke out across her back, her heart suddenly beating faster.

She hadn't had time to check on him, to make sure he was alright. Her gaze slid to the light shining out from under the bottom of the door. He was awake. He shouldn't be. Tashigi leaned her head against his door, feeling like too taut rope. She wanted to see him.

* * *

It was late, but Smoker couldn't sleep, the pain medication had kicked in but it hadn't knocked him out. Everytime he turned off the lamp next to his bed, the shadows took on a life of their own, his men being slaughtered, Quid slamming his palm into his chest, disturbingly familiar pain rippling in his wake.

How in the hell had the Navy not known that Quid possessed a devil fruit power, let alone a dangerous one? Ever since Vergo's betrayal, Smoker had been extra vigilant, questioning and double checking everything. So how did he miss this? Had he been set up? Did the drug ring involve someone in the Navy, or someone bankrolling the Navy? The smoke from his cigars drifted upwards, not giving him any answers.

A soft knock made him flick his eyes toward the door, before flicking to the clock on his bedside table. The doctor wasn't due to be back till morning, and any reports would be going to Tashigi for the time being. The only person who would be coming to see him at this hour was her. Something loosened in his chest.

* * *

Tashigi knocked softly, waited a moment, then entered. The room was dark except for the corner where her commander lay in bed, his bedside lamp making him paler than usual. Smoker looked up at her with a painful wince, his signature cigars in his mouth. She shut the door behind her quietly, and walked slowly towards him, her chest feeling like it was getting tighter with every step.

She grabbed his desk chair and dragged it over next to his bed and slid onto it. He said nothing, just watching her out of the corner of his eye. Tashigi placed her head in her hands and breathed. After a few moments she found her voice. "How...how are you feeling?" she asked, her voice was quiet but seemed too loud. She finally looked up from her feet and took him in. Her chest tightened painfully.

* * *

Smoker felt like he should be the one asking her that question. Tashigi looked...fragile, with her hair down, and out of uniform. It was her eyes though, that bothered him the most. He knew that look. He'd seen it before, in Alabasta, at Punk Hazard. The look of self hatred, of anguish. All her wounds were on the inside, in contrast to his.

His upper body was covered in bandages, the worst of his injuries to his abdomen and chest. It was a punch in the face, like Punk Hazard all over again. Because it was exactly like Punk Hazard. Because their Intel had failed to include that Merill Quid had eaten the Wound-Wound Fruit.

He wanted to tell her that he was fine, but that would be lying, and Smoker couldn't lie to her. "Like I've had the shit kicked out of me," he muttered, putting his cigars out in the ashtray next to his bed. The words had a brittle, angry edge to them.

* * *

Tashigi's vision blurred with tears and she bit her lip, hard. Smoker had nearly died just a few hours prior. The medics had needed to resuscitate him, fracturing a rib in the process and he'd needed so much blood. They'd nearly lost him on that sandbar. The fucking place didn't even have a proper name. He'd been dead, he'd been dead and she hadn't been able to help him. She'd been busy with the less dangerous pirates, held up while Smoker took on Quid, their Captain. She hadn't been there to back him up. She should have been able to get to him. She should have been stronger! He deserved to be angry with her, look at how many of their men she'd lost! She hadn't been strong enough to protect them either!

Her eyes burned, anger sitting low and hot in her chest. Smoker opened his mouth to say something, but Tashigi stopped him in his tracks as a few hot rage filled tears bubbled over and leaked down her face. She didn't see the stricken look that crossed his face. "I'm so sorry Smoker-san! I failed our men today, I wasn't strong enough to protect them!" she swiped at her tears furiously.

"Tashigi-" his voice held something soft in it, and she wanted no part of it. She didn't deserve it. "I wasn't there when you needed me! I wasn't strong enough to get to you!" Tashigi's voice rose and broke, her shoulders trembling, her knuckles clenched so hard they turned white.

What if he'd died while there was still so much between them? Tashigi was tired, she was tired of the strange waters between them, tired of being angry with him. And Smoker had kissed her, and she'd kissed him back. And he'd been dead and so many of their men were dead, and she wasn't strong enough, she promised Smoker that she'd get stronger. She would follow him anywhere, and he hadn't been breathing, and she just-

A hand tugged on hers and she looked up into Smoker's face, the tired circles under his eyes, the stubble on his chin, and her heart clenched so hard it hurt.

* * *

Tashigi's chocolate brown eyes were shining with unshed tears, red rimmed from exhaustion, but it made Smoker's breath catch in his throat. Her tears were for him as much as they were for herself. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had cried for him. No, that wasn't true, Tashigi cried for him at Punk Hazard too, when she'd thought Law had taken him down, and again when she'd first seen him after Doflamingo had nearly eviscerated him. But it was always her. She cried for him, because she was scared for him, of losing him. "Tashigi," his voice was more forceful, this time holding her gaze. She was strong, dependable, and would rather die than give up. When she'd found him, her glasses cracked, hair a mess, he was pretty sure he'd never been happier to see someone in his life. Right then, at that moment, he knew he'd be alright.

"I'd be dead if you hadn't found me," he murmured, grazing her cheek with the back of his fingers. Something flickered in Tashigi's eyes, and she bit down hard on her lower lip. Then she moved without warning, leaning over and gently pressing her lips to his as the dam broke and the tears poured down her face.

It was quiet, their breathing the only sound in the world. Smoker brought his hand up and slid his fingers into her hair, giving in to the little voice in the back of his head. Something snapped between them and suddenly she was kissing him hard, pushing him back onto his mattress, climbing over him, small hands on his shoulders. His fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her down, his other hand on the small of her back. His lips slanted over hers kissing her back with the same intensity. Smoker could taste the salt of her tears, but he didn't care. Right then, all that mattered was her.

They broke apart for air, and Tashigi leaned her forehead against his, her eyes closed. It was late, and all at once, he felt his injuries. "Get some sleep," he whispered against her lips. Her hands tightened on his shoulders, as her own shoulders sagged. "I...I don't want to be alone," Tashigi whispered as she reopened her eyes, looking at him with raw exhausted intensity. "Then stay," he breathed, the words slipping from his mouth before he could stop himself. There was a beat of silence, of questioning, but she broke away from him and she curled into his side, her relief palpable.

Smoker reached over to the lamp next to his bed, and turned off the light.

* * *

**Notes:**

Drama~

The next few chapters are pretty dramatic too. Guess I must be going through something that only drama and angst can sooth lol  
As always, thanks for reading and any feedback is welcome!

Also you can find me on twitter at buggyisbest


	7. Beginning to Fall

**Chapter 7: Beginning to Fall**  
**Falling generally hurts.**

* * *

Returning to base had taken a week, and upon seeing it on the horizon, Tashigi felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She stood on the deck, leaning on the railing. It was cold, the clouds above a murky gray, stuck somewhere in the "will we/won't we" range of rain. It matched how torn she felt.

While the G-5 was returning victorious, the battle had been costly. She would be writing letters to families in the coming week. It was likely they would be grounded until Smoker was deemed fit for full duty again. On one hand, she was looking forward to having a few weeks where she could feel more like a person and less like a soldier. On the other hand...a sad look passed over her face. She hated funerals, and breaking the news to loved ones was honestly the worst part of her job.

With a sigh, Tashigi turned away, and headed for the Bridge. She needed to prepare for landfall.

Entering her military assigned apartment was rather surreal. It always was, she spent so much time at sea that not being on a ship just felt wrong. There was a fine layer of dust coating everything. As a captain, she got her own assigned "permanent" quarters on base. It wasn't anything fancy, a single bedroom with a tiny kitchen, bathroom and living room. But, it was hers.

Entering her bedroom, Tashigi set down her pack inside the doorway and looked around her room. Like many marines, she had a pretty spare place, but she'd hung a piece of landscape art on the wall above her bed, and had a few framed photos on the small desk in the corner. Tashigi didn't have anywhere to be for a few hours, she didn't have to turn in any reports, as she'd done that first thing after disembarking, and her bed was calling to her.

Tashigi sat down on her pink comforter and pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes. She was tired. It had been a hard month. A confusing month. She flopped back fully onto her mattress, folding her hands on top of her chest. A barely-had-time-to-think month. Especially the last week. Taking on Vice Admiral Smoker's duties in addition to her own had kept her extremely busy, working nearly around the clock, figuring out new crew rotations, logistics, low morale, the works. Smoker's face appeared before her eyes and Tashigi's cheeks warmed.

She put a hand over her eyes and sighed, remembering how she'd left his quarters a week prior. Despite her pure exhaustion, she'd woken up at her usual time, years of routine keeping her moving even when all she wanted to do was stop.

She had been tucked against Smoker's side, her head on his chest, his arm around her. He was asleep, which was good, considering his injuries. She'd been transfixed by how different he looked while sleeping. Smoker was a very serious person, his most common facial expression was a frown, but when he was sleeping, he looked far younger, the lines smoothing out. As much as Tashigi had wanted to go back to sleep, she had known the G-5 needed her.

Tashigi managed to extricate herself from Smoker's embrace, and slipped quietly out his door, unable to stop herself from looking back at him one last time. She hadn't seen him since.

Tashigi pinched the bridge of her nose, staring up at the white ceiling above her. Numerous different emotions crossed her face. How in the hell had this even happened? There was no doubt that she loved Smoker, but it had never been romantic before. It wasn't as if she'd never considered the possibility of romance but it just never seemed like a line that would be crossed. Smoker was... He was the man she trusted above all. He was gruff, sure, and a hard ass, but he was also smart, and kind, and had an unshakable moral compass. He was... her rock. Her stomach suddenly tightened with anxiety.

Tashigi didn't want to mess up her relationship with him, he was her friend, her commander, quite possibly the only man she'd be willing to give her life up for. Losing him because of something like infatuation or...because she was lonely or going through something wasn't an option. But... she had liked kissing him. Really liked kissing him. And _he _had kissed her. Not once, but _twice _. She turned pink and flipped over onto her stomach, burying her face in her pillow, but that didn't stop the smile that spread across her face, or the way her heart suddenly beat faster.

Tashigi couldn't deny that when she woke up next to him, a part of her, the part she had always pushed to the back of her mind, wanted to do exactly that every day for the rest of time.

A sigh escaped from her lips. She wasn't sure what to do. One thing she had always been able to count on was him, and her relationship with him, but now everything felt nebulous and off-kilter. But...she wanted to see him. Tashigi rolled over and sat up. Weak late afternoon sunlight streamed in through her bedroom window, illuminating the dust motes floating in the air. She stared at them without really seeing them. It was unusual for her to go more than a day without seeing him, and it had been an entire, long unending week. She missed his calming presence, and the sound of his voice. Was he doing alright with his injuries? She bit her lip, would it be strange if she stopped by his apartment? Would he send her away? Or...could he miss her too?

Only one way to find out. With a shaky breath, Tashigi stood up from her bed, grabbed her coat, and despite only just having gotten home, left her apartment.

* * *

Saying Smoker was not in a good mood was an understatement. He hadn't been for a week, and though he tried to tell himself that it was because of the Rooster pirates and his injuries, that was a lie.

It was because of Tashigi, or rather, his actions involving Tashigi.

He huffed out a cloud of smoke from his couch, thinking once again of the last time he'd seen her, a week prior. As she left his quarters, giving him a last glance as she left. She'd probably thought he'd been asleep, but he hadn't been. She'd glanced back at him with a look of tenderness in her eyes that just wouldn't let him be. It sat there, warm in his chest, hitting him when he wasn't looking.

God dammit how had they even gotten here? This was his fault. He'd crossed the line. Tashigi was his subordinate for god's sake! _Fuck. _He'd kissed her. Not on accident. Not once. But twice. And she'd kissed him back. And then there was...the sandbar, when he'd nearly died. When she'd kissed him. And he'd been so glad she was there, because in that moment, while he was bleeding out on some nameless island, all he could think about was her. All he'd wanted, was her.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. How the fuck was he so stupid?!

The way her lips felt against his, the way she looked at him like he meant something.

"Smoker you fucking God damn idiot," He growled, running a hand through his white hair angrily. She deserved better than this. He wanted to chalk it all up to being lonely, to the adrenaline high from nearly being killed, to being around an attractive woman, and him being a man.

But it wasn't, it never had been.

You don't just sleep with someone. Sex was sex, but sleeping, just sleeping together? That was...intimate. Smoker clenched his teeth. He never just slept with anyone, not even his past girlfriends except...

Smoker shook his head. He couldn't do this, not to Tashigi. He didn't have time for a relationship, his job was too important, too demanding of his time, as his last relationships had shown him repeatedly. And he was her Commander. Being involved with her was not an option. Her career was important too, though he knew how weak that argument sounded. While there were rules of conduct in the Navy, they really only came into play under suspicions of foul play, and ever since the Paramount War, the higher-ups were too busy diverting their resources elsewhere, for better or for worse. No, what really mattered was that a relationship between them would just end in disaster. And the idea of losing her, hurting her, made him feel sick.

He needed to stop this.

A knock at his door pulled him from his thoughts. He glanced at the clock on his apartment wall. It was late in the afternoon, and with him on medical leave, all of his reports were going to Tashigi or the commanders of Units 02-06. Which meant it could only be one person. Tashigi. The one person he didn't want to see (the one person he wanted to see more than anything).

He could ignore her. He should. He shouldn't open the door. He should tell her that he'd been stupid, and that what had happened couldn't happen again. He should let this go. Let her go. He shouldn't open the door.

* * *

A half hour after Tashigi had left her apartment, she stood trembling outside Smoker's apartment door, on the other side of the Naval Base. Anxiety rolled off of her in waves. She'd been standing outside his door for the last ten minutes, trying to get the courage to knock.

Why was this so hard? (She knew why.) It wasn't unusual for her to be at his apartment. All she wanted was to see him, ask him how he was feeling, ask him... with a groan she covered her face with her hands. The way his hands had felt entangled in her hair, pulling her closer and how he felt beneath her arc'd across her mind. Tashigi let out a tiny frustrated scream. "God dammit, just knock on the door Tashigi! You're a marine, act like it!" she hissed angrily at herself. She'd already kissed him, hell, she'd shared a bed with him! This was nothing! It was just talking, a totally normal (he'd kissed her), regular (she'd kissed him), part of their relationship! Taking a deep breath, Tashigi stood up straight, and biting her lip, knocked on the door.

The sound seemed to echo and she clenched her hands to stop them from shaking. She stood there for a few moments and heard nothing. A few more seconds passed. Maybe he wasn't home? Maybe he was asleep? What if...what if he knew it was her? Cold sweat broke out across her face. He'd avoided her before, behavior that she wouldn't have believed from him if she hadn't experienced it first hand. He was so sure and confident in everything else he did, but he'd always kept his private life quiet. She didn't know this side of him. What if he was angry at her? Hurt flashed across her face as she stared at his door. Her shoulders sagged. If she left now, she could save face. If she left, then when it came time to debrief, she could still look him in the eye, could forget how when he kissed her, the world felt okay.

A lump formed in her throat, heat prickling at her eyes. She turned around, and began marching away, trying to keep the tears from falling.

"Tashigi," came a deep voice from behind her. She froze, turning around slowly, her heart pounding in her ears.

Smoker was leaning against his door frame, dressed in simple black cargo shorts. The bandages wrapped around his chest matched the color of his hair, which was a little mussed up. A break in the clouds allowed a ray of sunlight, suddenly giving everything a golden hue.

"...Smoker-san, I…" Tashigi wasn't sure what she even wanted to say. The two of them stood there, just staring at each other, at a loss for words. The clouds moved in front of the sun again. Smoker sighed, pulling a cigar out of his pocket and lighting it. He eyed her through the smoke, "We should talk." Her heart leapt in her throat. Her mouth dry, Tashigi nodded. Smoker tilted his head in a c'mon gesture, and stepped back inside his apartment. Her legs feeling like lead, Tashigi followed after him, closing the door behind her.

She liked Smoker's apartment. Like most active duty marines, it was sparse, but he had managed to personalize it a bit. He had actual books on his bookshelf, and a few small ceramic sculptures on his coffee table. His quarters had an extra room that he was using as an office. She could see into it from the living room, a familiar stack of rocks sitting on his desk. It was very him.

Smoker sat down gingerly on his standard military-issued couch and Tashigi noticed that he was out of breath. She glanced at the bandages wrapped around his chest, the sandbar flashing behind her eyes. She bit her lip, and sat down on one of the two chairs at his small round kitchen table off to the right of his couch. The air was thick with something, her skin prickling with it.

"How are you feeling?" she asked softly, looking at Smoker from under her bangs. He let out a stream of smoke around the cigar in his mouth. "The doctors don't want me to do anything "more strenuous than paperwork" for another week." Tashigi smiled slightly at the look on his face. He eyed her, eyebrows pulling down slightly, and she forced her face into something resembling sympathy. There were very few things Smoker hated besides pirates, but bedrest and paperwork were high on the list. "So, still stuck in bed then?" the question popped out of her mouth before she could think about the implications. His eyes shot to her, and she went pink. Their last encounter sat between them and Tashigi felt hot beneath her pink jacket.

He didn't answer for a moment, then said "Yep," quietly in response. Neither of them looked at eachother, and anxiety bubbled under her skin. The awkward quiet built up, and Tashigi felt a lump form in her throat. She didn't know how to bring up the elephant in the room. Smoker breathed out another plume of smoke, startling her. "Tashigi, what happened was a mistake." Tashigi stiffened. Something was off in his expression, as if the words tasted bad in his mouth. She opened her mouth, then closed it, her thoughts tripping over themselves. All that was a mistake? Him kissing her? Him telling her to stay? The way he'd reached for her on the sandbar...a mistake? She felt cold, like someone had dumped ice down the back of her shirt. "It can't happen again," he folded his arms across his chest, like a barrier. Like he was shutting her out.

Her heart pounded in her ears. "You're the one who kissed me," the words tumbled from her mouth. He stiffened, "I'm aware," he said quietly, then "I'm your commanding officer, I should not have done that." His knuckles tightened on his arms. "...I kissed you back," Tashigi whispered. Her words seemed to echo around his apartment. "...You shouldn't have done that either." He wasn't looking at her. If anything, he was looking away from her.

Hurt and anger in equal parts washed over her in a wave. He couldn't even look at her. It was like before, after he'd kissed her while undercover. She didn't believe that it was a mistake on his part for a second! You don't make mistakes when you're at death's door! Her eyes began burning as she stared down at her lap, trying to think of how to respond.

"You should go," Smoker's voice stabbed through her. Tashigi stared at him, her mouth dropping open. She closed her trembling hands into fists, anger burning low in her stomach. He was dismissing her? "...Is that an order?" she whispered, unable to keep the anger out of her voice. Smoker was silent before he slowly, almost painfully, turned to look at her. "If it needs to be," his voice was empty, tired, like he expected a fight. She should walk away, let this episode fade into the past, ignore the little voice that hinted at something more, as she always did. The sandbar, the fear she'd felt, the way his arms felt around her. Not this time.

Tashigi shook before his gaze, not in fear but in anger. She stood up, crossing the short distance over to him. He didn't move as she approached but his eyes locked with hers. "Permission to speak frankly, _Sir _?" Tashigi glared at him, the mocking tone of her voice making his eyes narrow. Slowly, Smoker got to his feet, and even though he was injured, he towered over her.

"Permission granted, _Captain _," his eyes were dark, resigned. Blood pounded in her ears. "I never thought I'd see the day you would lie to me," her words were low, anger thrumming through them. "About?" He growled, glowering down at her. They were almost chest to chest, Tashigi glaring hotly up at him.

Tashigi closed the gap, reaching a shaky hand up to press against his chest, over his heart. She could feel his heart pounding beneath her hand, the pace matching her own. "...Us," she whispered, the anger fading from her voice, as she peered into his eyes.

* * *

"...Us," her words punched him in the chest, but he couldn't look away from her. Tashigi was never prettier than when she was angry. Her brown eyes were wide, an angry flush made her lips stand out all the more. Her hand trembled against his chest, her face just inches from his own. He shouldn't close the gap. He shouldn't bring his hand up to cup her face, to bring her close so he could press his lips to hers.

He shouldn't, but he did.

Her eyes fluttered shut, as she leaned into him, her other hand coming up to slide into the short hair on the nape of his neck, pulling him closer.

He leaned his forehead against hers. It was too easy to get lost in her. "We can't do this Tashigi...there are rules," he rasped against her lips, his eyes sliding shut, breath mingling with hers. She was warm against him, her fingers slid from his hair to his face, and he leaned into her touch. "Since when have you cared about rules?" Her voice was soft, breathless. He opened his eyes and looked into hers, amber meeting chocolate. "Because you're too important not to follow them," the words came from deep within him, the honesty in them leaving him feeling raw and exposed like a live wire.

Her eyes went wide, a soundless oh escaping from her lips. Her thumb brushed against his cheek and over his lips softly as she looked at him. A gentle, fond, sad smile formed on her lips, her eyes gazing at him with something that made him ache.

She pressed her lips sweetly against his, and whispered "You're an idiot," before stepping back from him (isn't that what he wanted?), turning on her heel and leaving. The door shut behind her, the sound crushing in its weight.

"I know," he whispered into the silence she left behind.

* * *

**Notes:**

The drama continues and no one can stop me~ I'm currently writing the last chapter of this fic. I hope y'all buckle up for the angst train (there is fluff too, don't worry). As always, thanks for reading, and let me know what you think!

You can find me on twitter at buggyisbest


	8. How We Handle Grief

**Chapter 8: How We Handle Grief**

Everyone needs someone to lean on, but falling is another matter entirely.

* * *

The first indirect lesson Tashigi learned after joining the Marines was to compartmentalize. It was necessary in order to make the decisions that needed to be made. You had to focus on one problem at a time, and that focus needed to be absolute. So she learned to put things into boxes. To let each thing come out only when it was needed. Therefore, Tashigi focused on the immediate problems: the logistics of the Naval Base, the crew rotations, scheduling meetings, attending meetings, filling out forms, etc. Attending to the other necessary parts of her life, working on problems she could solve. The trouble was when the boxes spilled over, that was a much more difficult skill to master.

It was late as Tashigi set down her pen. Her shoulders ached from hunching over her desk for so long. She lifted up her glasses, rubbing her eyes tiredly, not that it would help much. She hadn't slept much the night before, every time she closed her eyes, she reviewed her last encounter with Smoker. The feeling of his lips against hers, the low sound of his voice. For what must be the hundredth time that day, her eyes filled with tears. God dammit. She was an idiot, because he was right wasn't he? They couldn't do this. It didn't matter that being around him, with him, was as natural as breathing.

Angrily, she rubbed her irritated eyes again and refocused on her work. The Rooster Pirate's ship was being brought in tomorrow morning, and she had drug suppliers to figure out.

* * *

Smoker shoved a third cigar in his mouth, letting the smoke fill him up as he stared at the intel and bios before him. He cracked his neck from side to side, and glared at the wanted posters. He'd been in his office for hours, pouring over reports. It was better than laying in the dark, waiting for sleep that wouldn't come. Tashigi's tear-filled eyes crossed in front of him and he bit down harder on his cigars, refocusing on the papers in front of him and the problem they represented.

Why had he gotten information on the Roosters' numbers and suspected strength so quickly? He'd received it only a few short hours after sending for it, and it had been way off base, putting him and his men into imminent danger. The speed was not normal, especially when the Navy was handling a level of chaos not seen in literally decades. The only way it could have come back that quickly was if someone was watching for it. That implied a mole in a highly vouched for branch of the Navy. Without their information distribution network, the Navy might as well be useless. This implied deep pockets, likely the same person who was supplying the drug. The question was who?

This would be easier if he could bounce his thoughts off of someone he could trust, and someone who was actually intelligent. That narrowed the field of applicants down to...the one person he couldn't trust himself around at the moment. The feeling of Tashigi's small form pressed against him, the way her breath hitched in her throat as his hands slid into her hair bombarded him and he cursed. Goddammit, he was doing the right thing in pushing her away, couldn't his own thoughts give him some fucking peace?!

With a snarl, he threw himself back into what had always been his refuge, his work.

* * *

The clock struck 1AM, and Tashigi sighed. Her desk was covered in twice as many papers as usual. She needed coffee. Her third night of not sleeping was taking its toll. She could feel exhaustion pulling at the edge of her senses, dulling everything. But sleep just wouldn't come. The Rooster Pirate ship had at least proven to be interesting. It had been modified recently, and Tashigi had found a log book written in code with a few maps of locations she didn't recognize. It presented the perfect escape from her problems, but as her eyes shifted over to the pile of papers stacked on the corner, she knew she couldn't escape them forever.

The pile was full of the reports she needed to pass to Smoker. But she hadn't been able to bring herself to do it. The mere thought of seeing him made her feel...everywhere. She bit the inside of her cheek, irritation plucking at her. They were supposed to be a team, she was his right hand girl, and here she was, unable to even face him (and where was he?)!

Stupid idiot! Why did he have to kiss her?! Where had this even started? Was it at Christmas when she'd accidentally kissed him? When she'd started to wonder what it would feel like to really kiss him? It had seemed so easy to get past when he'd gotten her back at New Years, or had that been when he started to wonder too? Was it when they danced undercover, and the world had faded to the background? Idiot! Why, why did she have to kiss him back?

She shook her head angrily, refocusing on the maps and coordinates in front of her. She'd figure out the goddamn people controlling the drug ring if it was the last thing she did.

* * *

Smoker's eyes ached like the devil, the third cup of coffee doing nothing to help. He'd been pouring over information request logs for hours. It was boring stuff, crap he'd normally pass to... someone who had the patience for it. The details were all blending together, unsurprising since he'd barely slept in four fucking days. Irritation sparked down his back. She should be here, doing this shit with him. But no, he had to go and kiss her and she had to go and kiss him back and he had to go fuck up the most valuable relationship he had in his life.

The soft, surprised smile that formed on her lips when he'd kissed her after their brawl.

_Fucking Fuck. _

Smoker ran a hand through his hair roughly. He needed to do something that would knock him out, that wasn't sitting and thinking. Thinking always lead him back to her, and he just couldn't deal with it anymore. He stood up and pushed away from his desk, the stitches in his side protesting as he grabbed his jitte. Ignoring the tiny voice in his head that was screaming at him to stop being an idiot (it sounded a little like Tashigi), he left his apartment, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

It was dark, the clouds blocking out the paltry light from the crescent moon high above. Tashigi made her way to the training grounds farthest from base, unable to stomach filling out another death certificate. The mass funeral ceremony for their fallen men was scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. It wasn't mandatory that she go, it was just something she felt she needed to do. She wondered if Smoker would be there, her stomach clenching at the thought of seeing him, though whether it was from dread or anticipation, she wasn't sure.

It was late enough that no one else should be at the training grounds, particularly this one. She wanted solitude as she worked through her katas. She hadn't had any time with Shigure, not since...she bit her lip.

With a sigh, she rounded the hill to her destination and came to a halt. One spotlight barely lit up the area, the packed dirt underfoot was slightly damp, a few training dummies sat in the shadows on the far side.

And in the middle of the space was a painfully familiar figure. Her heart leapt into her throat. Smoker's back was to her as he went through motions with his jitte. What the hell was he doing here? Concern pushed to the forefront of her mind. He was supposed to be on bedrest! If he wanted to train, why this one? Why now?

Maybe he couldn't sleep either, a voice in her head muttered, sounding far too much like Smoker.

Tashigi worried her bottom lip between her teeth. She'd walked all the way out here to train, and she wasn't going to be a coward and run away back to her office. Maybe she could just... wait till he left?

She leaned against the entrance gate, watching him. He really was something when it came to combat. His movements were sure and purposeful, no wasted energy. She always enjoyed watching him practice, and she loved sparring with him even though she lost 95% of the time.

But something was off. His movements were too forceful, his posture too stiff. She saw it coming before it happened. He lunged too far forward, his injuries preventing him from adjusting his balance properly, and in the process of overcorrecting, something gave way.

Tashigi gasped as Smoker went down, clutching his side. She rushed towards him, concern and anger overriding her fears. This. Was. Why. He. Was. Supposed. To. Be. On. Bed. Rest! Idiot!

She skidded to a stop, crouching down next to him. "Smoker-san, are you alright?" He turned his head to look at her, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "Tashigi," he muttered, shaking his head lightly, a bemused expression crossing his face before being replaced by a grimace. His breathing was labored. "...Let me see," she said gently, softly placing her hand on his shoulder. Smoker eyed her, stiffening at her touch as Tashigi gazed back at him steadily.

Something passed through his eyes before he relaxed, gathering his legs under himself and leaning back. She looked away from his face and her eyes traveled slowly down his torso, a frown emerging on her face as she made out fresh blood seeping through his bandages on his left side.

He'd likely pulled a few stitches. "Stay here, I'll get the medical kit," Tashigi sighed, getting to her feet. It was good planning that most Navy training areas were equipped with basic medical kits, though when she and Smoker had first arrived at the G-5, that hadn't been the case. It was one of the first things they'd changed. Tashigi smiled tightly as she grabbed the kit from the lockbox near the entrance gate, before returning to Smoker's side.

She settled on the ground next to him, tucking her legs off to her side. The clouds shifted slightly, the area brightening a little. Smoker looked pale beneath the light as she unzipped the kit, pulling out scissors and antiseptic.

She could feel his gaze on her as she worked. His chest was warm beneath her fingertips. She slowly undid the bandages, revealing his bruised but healing ribs. She glanced up at his face when he hissed as she pressed a cloth with antiseptic against his reopened side.

Shadows played across his face but she noted the extra stubble along his jaw and the dark circles under his eyes.

She wasn't alone in her suffering.

Tashigi let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. "...What are you doing out here, Smoker-san?" Her eyes met his. This wasn't like him and they both knew it. It was a long moment before he answered. "Couldn't sleep." His normally gruff voice had a brittle edge to it.

Tashigi opened the new bandages. "What are you doing here, Tashigi?" he asked softly. "I couldn't stand filling out another death certificate," she focused on angling the first round of bandages correctly. "Working late?" Was that concern she detected in his voice? Tashigi looked into his eyes, as her hands stilled at his side, "Couldn't sleep," she whispered. Clouds passed over the moon, plunging the two of them briefly into darkness.

She'd done the best she could, he would have to see a doctor in the morning, but neither of them moved. She rubbed her thumb gently over his bandages.

Her heart sped up and she bit her lip, staring down at her hand on his chest. A lump formed in her throat. She'd missed this, just being in the same space as him. She'd missed _him _. Her chest ached. "Tashigi…" she slowly looked up at him, her hand going with her gaze, gently coming to rest against his cheek.

Smoker breathed out, placing his own hand over hers, closing his eyes as he leaned into her touch. Exhaustion overcame her. She was tired. "I'm tired Smoker-san," she breathed out, her voice small. "...So am I," he slowly pulled her hand away from his face, settling it in his own, his thumb brushing slowly back and forth over her palm. "Let's get you home, Sir," she got to her feet, carefully helping him to his.

He leaned on her as they made their way out of the training grounds. He was warm against her side and she couldn't pretend that she didn't lean into him more than was necessary. They saw no one as they went through the nearly empty base. She wasn't going back to her office tonight. The wind picked up as they made their way through the residential blocks.

She made out his apartment both too soon and not soon enough. She felt sluggish as they came to his doorstep. He pulled his key out, the sound of the door unlocking was quieter than she thought it would be. They crossed over the threshold. He didn't make a move to stop her as she helped him inside, shutting the door behind them.

He didn't bother turning on the lights. Neither of them said anything as she removed her shoes, him turning to smoke to get out of his own. He did nothing to stop her as she placed her coat on his couch, Shigure next to his jitte. She said nothing as she helped him out of his jacket. She brought it into his bedroom, and placed it on top of his dresser.

He eased onto his mattress, silently watching her. There was a drawness to his eyes that Tashigi recognized in her own as she gazed back at him. She unpinned her long black tresses, Smoker's eyes following the movement of her hands. She was tired, tired of fighting with him, with herself. She placed her glasses on his bedside table.

Tashigi never looked away from Smoker as she settled next to him on his mattress. Waiting for him to stop her. Waiting for him to say something. Waiting for him to push her away. But he said nothing as she curled against him, resting her head on his chest. He pulled his comforter over them and for the first time in days, Tashigi felt the blessed emptiness of sleep overtake her.

* * *

Tashigi really was stunning while she slept. Long locks of her hair were spread out over him, like rivers of ink. Smoker brushed his fingers through her hair softly. She didn't stir.

He never could just sleep with someone. It required a level of vulnerability, of trust. Something hard to earn. That level of trust had eluded him in all his past relationships, ultimately leading to their inevitable destruction.

But with Tashigi it felt as easy as breathing. And that terrified him.

He needed to go. He had work to do. Quietly, Smoker got out of bed, clenching his teeth at the pain in his abdomen. Tashigi didn't wake, and he was thankful because he had no idea what to say to her.

As he pulled his coat on and headed for his bedroom door, he was unable to stop himself from looking back at her small form nestled in his blanket. A tiny crease had formed between her eyebrows, her lips pulled down as she rolled over, pulling his blanket tighter around herself. Like she knew he'd left.

Leave. Leave now. Smoker headed for his front door quickly, and as he shut it, he ignored the way a voice in the back of his head called him an idiot.

* * *

Tashigi awoke alone, the silence of Smoker's apartment deafening. Pain stabbed through her and her eyes filled with tears. But she wouldn't cry here. She bit down hard on her lip.

Where the hell did they stand now?

She glanced at the clock on his bedside table, and paled. It was late. She had a funeral to prepare for. Whatever the hell was going on between her and Smoker would have to wait.

With a deep breath, Tashigi gathered her things and left his apartment.

Friday afternoon came with the first clear day in weeks. The wind was calm, the air cool. It was the wrong kind of weather. Tashigi walked to her office, wearing her formal uniform, her shoulders stiff. It was noon, but the base seemed quieter than usual.

She opened her office door, glaring at her embossed name and rank. Some Captain she was. Her desk was still covered in papers from the night before, and Tashigi sighed, placing her briefcase down. Like rote, she unlocked it and pulled out yet more papers to join their brethren on the desk.

Tashigi sat down in her chair, and pulled the papers she'd been working on the night before in front of her, looking over what she'd written. It was the speech she planned on giving at the funeral service. She read her first few sentences.

'Today, we honor our fallen. We honor their memory, and their service. Their bravery in the face of danger.' A sudden rage overcame her and Tashigi grabbed her pen violently, scratching out her sentences ferociously. What the hell did those words mean in the face of all her dead men?! She scrubbed a hand over her face, her eyes hot and pulsing. She took a deep breath.

It was part of life as a Marine to know loss. To expect the occasional empty chair. The first thing new recruits were required to do was fill out their last will and testament. But in the loss of so many, so quickly, preparation was never enough.

She'd known the funeral was coming. She'd known she'd be a mess. But she normally had Smoker on her side, making the worst parts of their job more bearable. And now? Now...Her chin trembled, and she clenched her hands into fists. She couldn't fall apart now. Not now.

Everything felt too much all of a sudden, and Tashigi put her head in her hands, breathing heavily. She focused on each breath, trying to get herself under control.

ItwasherfaultItwasherfaultItwasherfault

Everything was her fault.

With a shaking hand, she picked up her pen and started on her speech one more time.

* * *

Smoker watched the smoke from his cigars float upwards toward the sky. He stood near the back of the courtyard where the funeral service was being held. He'd gotten to the service late, getting his stitches resewn had taken longer than he'd expected. The courtyard was packed, the air solemn despite the nice weather. He breathed out another long puff of smoke. Tashigi stood near the front, he'd gotten there just as she started her speech.

"As a Captain, it's my responsibility to watch over the lives of the men who are assigned to me. My men put their lives on the line everyday, for justice, to defend us against dangerous individuals, to protect us from harm. And it's my job to do the best that I can to protect them from harm in return. But sometimes," Tashigi's voice caught, "Sometimes, the danger is too great. Sometimes, I fail in my duties. This...this was one of those times." Smoker stiffened. What was she doing? This wasn't her fault.

"The pirates we were up against were fierce, terrifying, and powerful. And it took all of us to bring them down. Many more would not be here if it were not for these brave men who…" Tashigi wiped her eyes. Smoker's heartbeat thundered in his ears. This wasn't her fault. He gave the orders. "...Paid the ultimate price, and our world is left poorer without them. Today, we honor their service, their sacrifice, and we promise to do better. To be better. To continue the fight against injustice, to continue to protect our loved ones from harm, to never ever forget what they did for us." She stepped back, feet snapping together, hand coming to rest in a salute. Their men, himself included, returned the salute, before she stepped back, letting the firing squad line up.

Rifles cracked through the air.

Smoker couldn't breathe. Blood pounded in his ears. One shot for each soldier. The harsh popping sound absolutely deafening in the quiet air.

This was his fault, not hers.

One of the women near the coffins burst into hysterical wails. Tashigi buried her face in her hands, but not before locking eyes with him, anger and hurt reflecting back at him. Smoker clenched his jaw so hard something popped.

Everything was his fault.

* * *

It was late Friday afternoon, the sun beginning it's descent, setting the ocean and sky aflame with riotous colors. Storm clouds sat far on the horizon, an unstoppable force encroaching upon them. Tashigi slowly walked back to her office from the service, the path she took to get there a blur. A bone aching weariness encompassed her, a barrier between her and reality. A strangling blanket that kept the world soft around the edges but never let her take a full breath.

The bodies they'd laid to rest had been men under her command, and she bore the responsibility for them. Despite how gruff and rough around the edges her soldiers were, they trusted her, and they did their duty to the best of their abilities. And now the world had 15 less good men in it.

Her office was bathed in shadow, and Tashigi didn't bother turning on the lights. She gathered her briefcase with it's papers, everything slow, forgettable the moment she finished each small task. The long walk back to her apartment was too bright, too loud, but neither bright nor loud enough to reach her. She could see herself shambling along each block, a dark ghost among the fierce colors of the dying sun.

Seeing her apartment come into sight made her shoulders unclench, the end of her journey in sight allowing some amount of feeling through, wanting nothing more than to crawl into her bed and let darkness overtake her.

It was late as Tashigi stared up at the dark ceiling from her bed. She wanted to have been asleep hours ago, but it wouldn't come. And she knew why. The tear stained faces of Ensign Gerig's parents, the utterly empty blank look of Major Diaz's wife flashed behind her eyelids again and she clenched her fist. She could never sleep after funerals. The shadows loomed in her room, pressing in upon her and she sat up, putting her face in her hands, throat tight.

She hated this. Her men should still be alive. This should not have happened. Her whole body tingled with anger. She threw herself out of her bed, and left her room. She didn't bother turning on the lights, the darkness fit her just fine. Pale light from a streetlamp outside shone through the blinds of her living room window. She took a seat on her couch, taking a deep breath.

As commanding officers, she and Smoker made the life-or-death decisions for the soldiers under their charge. They may not have pulled the trigger, but they as good as did. And all the words of commendation she had for her fallen men rang hollow, because they were dead.

The stillness of her apartment pressed in, too quiet, like a tomb. She sucked in a breath. God dammit. God dammit. God dammit. She didn't want to be alone, she needed to do something that wasn't this. That wasn't sitting in the dark wishing for things that could never be. She wanted... She wanted the one person that apparently couldn't be around her. A different kind of anger began to swell in her chest. He'd left her this morning, without saying anything. Then later at the service...Smoker had locked eyes with her and walked away without a word when it was done. She'd pushed away the events of the previous night all day, but now, here in the dark, it swept over her.

Tashigi put her head in her hands, taking a deep breath, but it did nothing to alleviate the ache in her chest. The back-and-forth, push-and-pull of their new relationship frayed her nerves. She missed him. Horribly. And it was obvious he missed her too, but he kept pushing her away! Because...she was too important to him? Tashigi clenched her hands into fists. If she was so important, then why hadn't he asked her what she wanted?!

Abruptly, the anger in her was sucked out as she blinked into the dark, her eyes tracing the fuzzy outline of her coffee table. What...what did she want?

Smoker, asleep as she left his quarters, the way she felt waking up next to him, like it was the way it was supposed to be.

She sucked in a breath, letting it out slowly past her lips. "Oh Tashigi, what are you going to do now?" She whispered to herself. The quiet ticking of the clock above her sink, and the wind blowing outside didn't answer.

There was a knock at her door. So soft that if she hadn't been awake, she wouldn't have heard it. Tashigi looked towards her front door, then squinted at the clock above her sink. It was 2am. Nothing good ever came after 2am.

If it was urgent, the knock would have been loud. But it wasn't. She unfolded from her couch, moving toward her door on autopilot. Tashigi knew who it was. The question was why he was here.

* * *

The bottle of whiskey on his kitchen table was half empty. Smoker glared at it, Tashigi's speech ringing through his head. The last time they had attended a funeral, she'd gotten drunk with him and passed out on his couch. He'd covered her in a blanket. In the morning, she made him coffee. They never talked about it.

Now...now, he was drinking alone at nearly 2 in the morning. The near silence of his apartment grated on his nerves. Was Tashigi drinking alone? Was she smothering her feelings in a fog of delirium? Suddenly he was back in his cabin on the ship, her sobbing incoherently over his near death, his bedside lamp catching her eyes, the way she whispered that she didn't want to be alone.

Son of a goddamn bitch.

Smoker pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead, his kitchen clock ticking too fucking loudly in the quiet of his apartment.

Tashigi always took the hard things to heart. She cried when he couldn't. She wore her heart on her sleeve, a backbone of steel ready to back it up. The opposite of him. He was an idiot with steel walls a mile high, but behind those walls? Every time Smoker closed his eyes, he could see her smiling. Tashigi had a very kind smile, a rarity. His chest clenched.

The weight of command was weighing heavily upon her, that much was obvious from her speech. But she was wrong. He was at fault, he was responsible for their lives, hers included. Thinking of her speech made him reach for the whiskey again, but he didn't drink. He wanted to, but Smoker knew what he had to do. He couldn't let Tashigi go on thinking something so stupid, and...she didn't deserve to suffer alone.

A voice screamed in the back of his mind that this was a bad idea, that nothing good ever came from late night visits, but he couldn't ignore the way relief swept over him as he headed towards her apartment.

* * *

Tashigi opened her front door slowly. The cold air outside was heavy with the smell of incoming rain. Smoker leaned against the alcove wall next to her door, his arms crossed, silhouetted by the huge dark cumulonimbus clouds high above them. Tashigi drank him in, his face unreadable, the paltry light from the streetlamp on the street below turning his eyes to deep pools of shadow.

Her heart pounded in her ears as she stepped out of her doorway and leaned against the wall opposite Smoker. Her apartment door closed with a soft click. A cool gust of wind gave her goosebumps, her tank top and sleeping shorts providing no protection from the cold. She wasn't sure what to say to him. Looking at him sparked a hundred different feelings in Tashigi's chest. She remembered the night before, listening to the sound of his heartbeat, his arms wrapped around her. She swallowed, deciding the best option was to wait for him to speak.

He continued to eye her before pulling a cigar out of his pocket and placing it in his mouth. "You're an idiot," Smoker grumbled around his cigar, the soft orange glow from the embers reflected in his eyes as he lit up. Tashigi's mouth dropped open and she tilted her head at him. That certainly wasn't what she was expecting. She could feel the anger from earlier returning, but this was Smoker, he rarely said things without a reason. "Your speech," he took a long drag on his cigar. Tashigi narrowed her eyes at him. He was standing outside her apartment at 2 in the fucking morning to chastise her about her speech at the funeral? "...What was wrong with my speech?" she hissed, her breath misting in the air. The anger was buzzing beneath the surface. "Claiming it was your fault," his gaze locked onto her face. His words sank into her skin, anger burning in her eyes as she opened her mouth-

"I gave the orders, the fault is mine, not yours." Smoker's words froze the anger in her throat. He breathed out, the smoke drifted upward slowly, as her anger fizzled out. He came over here to tell her that? She crossed one arm over her chest, gripping her upper arm as she whispered quietly, "You're wrong Smoker-san, they are my men too, so it's both our faults."

A few drops of rain began to fall as they stood there, both of them looking up towards the sky. "Smoker-san…" his eyes flicked over to her. She bit her bottom lip, then "...Why are you really here?" He let out a sigh, taking his cigar out of his mouth and putting it out beneath his boot. "Because every time I close my eyes, all I see is you," he rumbled, pressing his fingers into his temples.

Tashigi breathed out a soft "oh." She took a step towards him. "...Why did you leave this morning?" her voice was soft, so soft, if she wasn't standing so close to him, he would have missed it. He opened his eyes, gazing at her. "...Same reason," he said slowly. She took another step forward. "Tashigi…" his voice was a warning, his eyes wary but there was something else there too. Something that made her feel warm all over.

"...What do you want Smoker-san?" Tashigi whispered. "...What I want doesn't matter," he looked away from her, shoving his hands in his pockets, eyebrows drawing downward, jaw clenching. "Then does what I want matter?" her voice was clear, defiant. Tashigi was right in front of him now, she could feel the heat radiating off of him, the scent of tobacco and alcohol enveloping her. Smoker turned his head back slowly to look down at her. "...What do you want Tashigi?" his voice was low, brittle, like he was waiting for a punch.

Tashigi reached up, cupping his cheek. "...For you to stop pushing me away," she breathed, her hand sliding to the back of his neck as she pressed against him, pulling him towards her. She pressed her lips against his softly. He sighed against her lips, his hands sliding hesitantly around her waist, pulling her flush against him. Relief swept through her as he kissed her back, the tension in her shoulders loosening. Smoker's lips moved over hers tenderly, like he was afraid to hurt her. Tashigi slowly broke the kiss and leaned her head on his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist. "...Hard day," she said softly. Smoker hmm'd in agreement, his chin resting on her head. The wind picked up, rain falling harder. She shivered.

"You should go back inside," Smoker murmured. His heart beat steadily in her ear. Tashigi pulled back, looking up at him before reaching down and slowly, hesitantly intertwining her fingers with his. He gazed down at their hands in the dark, before returning his eyes to hers. A small soft smile formed on her lips as she stepped back from him and towards her door. She didn't let go of his hand as she opened it, the dark warmth of her apartment beckoning. She glanced down at their joined hands and back up to his face, eyes questioning as she inclined her head slightly towards the open door. Smoker breathed out, his breath misting, catching the light of the streetlamp like a tiny firework.

He followed after her.

The door closed quietly as the rain began to fall in earnest.

* * *

**Notes:**

Here have some drama right before Animal Crossing consumes us all

I have the last chapter drafted out, I can't believe I've made it this far.  
I would love feedback on this chapter, it was my favorite to write thus far.

As always, thank you for reading!  
You can also find me on twitter at buggyisbest

Stay safe!


	9. The Fall

**Chapter 9: The Fall**

Communication is a hard skill to master.

_Note:_ This chapter begins with an M Rated scene. If you want to skip it, go the the first line separation.

* * *

The time for thinking was long past. Nothing good would come of their actions now and Tashigi knew it deep down, but she didn't care. She just wanted to stop thinking for a little while. To stop trying to find stable ground. To fall. And it was obvious that Smoker was looking for the same thing, why else would he show up on her doorstep at 2 in the morning? And maybe just this once, just this one night, they could do what they wanted.

And she wanted him.

Tashigi pulled him into her bedroom through the darkness of her apartment, pushing his jacket down off his shoulders, pulling him down onto the mattress with her. Letting the heat of him go straight through her as she pressed her lips to his, climbing into his lap as he responded, rough hands pulling her hips harshly against his own, sending a sharp spark of desire running down her spine.

She wanted more, needed to feel his skin against hers. Yanking her tank top over her head as he pressed hot kisses down her neck, between her breasts. Fumbling with the zipper of his jeans, a strangled groan pulling from his throat as she wrapped her hand around his cock.

Tangling her fingers in his hair when he pushes her down into her mattress, her shorts and his jeans landing on the floor.

Gasping as their bodies pressed together, his hand hooking under her knee, sliding up her thigh, cupping her sex-

Heat coiling in her lower belly.

A moan tearing from her lips as Smoker pushes into her, burying his face into her shoulder, biting her neck, covering her body with his own-

Coiling tighter and tighter.

Wrapping her legs around his hips, her nails digging into his back, arching her hips to meet his over and over-

So tight she feels like she'll snap.

His lips leaving a hot trail from her breasts to her neck, rising higher, rasping against her ear, asking her, begging her to fall with him and she wants and wants and wants-

Crushing her lips to his, his name swallowed by the rushing in her ears as she breaks apart in his arms. He curses as he loses his rhythm, entangling his fingers with hers hard enough to hurt as he falls into oblivion after her.

* * *

Rain pattered against Tashigi's bedroom window, the meager light leaking from the gaps in her floral curtains cast the room in various shades of gray. She'd fallen asleep sometime ago, curled against him. Her room was silent but for their breathing and the rain, and Smoker couldn't shake the feeling that this was the calm before the storm. His still healing muscles began to ache as the alcohol wore off and he would have a hell of a hangover soon, if the dull throbbing behind his eyes was any indication. Tashigi shifted slightly in her sleep, snuggling herself closer into his chest. She seemed so small. Her black hair was a mess, tickling his nose, but Smoker found he didn't mind. He should.

But here he was, curled around her like a shield against the rest of the world. Everything smelled like her, soft, slightly floral. He eyed the shape of his clothing on her floor. It was too late to run, he'd already tried that, and yet they still ended up here, the scent of her coating his skin. When she woke, they would have to face this. Fear pushed at him from somewhere deep. He would do everything he could not to hurt her more than he already had. Because he couldn't lose her, and if they went down this road...well his past had shown him what would happen.

But right now, he was tired of fighting it. This. Whatever this was, because right at this moment, he felt at peace for the first time in a long time. Here, with her. Smoker sighed into Tashigi's hair, closed his eyes and let the world fade away. Just for a little while.

* * *

Her back was warm. Slowly, Tashigi opened her eyes. Her room was dim, the sound of rain drowned out the sound of the heater. An arm was thrown across her middle. Was she dreaming? She made out the blurry shape of Smoker's jacket on the floor, the letters for justice recognizable even in the low light. No, she wasn't dreaming. He'd stayed this time. Relief flooded through her veins, though only for a few moments as reality came crashing down onto her shoulders. They'd crossed the line. She'd slept with her commanding officer. Everything was jumbled and confusing before, and now…? Where did...where did they stand now?

She stared blankly into the quiet of her bedroom, breathing. The stillness of her room was not making her thoughts any less tangled, her feelings any less chaotic. The longer she lay there, the more she could feel them churning in circles, her chest tightening. She shouldn't have slept with him, not when...not when she didn't know what he wanted, but it was too late now. Her heart started pounding in her chest. They'd have to talk now, and she'd be lying if she wasn't terrified because he might push her away again and this could be the last time she'd feel his arms around her. But more than that, she was afraid because...

She knew she couldn't go back.

She couldn't forget her feelings, couldn't lock them away, couldn't lie and put it up to desperation, to loneliness. No, there was no going back for her, and she couldn't lie here in her bed forever. Steeling herself, Tashigi slid out from Smoker's embrace and sat up slowly, her legs swinging down over the side of her bed. She wrapped the bedsheet around herself, as if it could protect her. She bit her lip, listening to the shift in Smoker's breathing. He was awake now too. The quiet rustling of blankets as he sat up, facing the opposite wall, his posture mirroring hers.

"Smoker-san…" Her chest was tight, black hair hanging in front of her like a curtain. The moment Tashigi whispered his name, he'd gone stiff, like when they were sparring. Waiting, watching for her approach. He was seeing this like a battle but she was so very tired of fighting. The rain continued battering against her bedroom window, the staccato sound reminiscent of the blood thrumming loudly in her ears.

* * *

Shit.

Smoker's temples throbbed and his mouth tasted like sand, the whiskey from the night before coming back to haunt him as he looked blearily at Tashigi's floor. Now was not a good time for any kind of serious conversation, especially not one where he was about to fuck up the most valuable relationship he had. Because he had royally fucked this one up. Tashigi had turned away from him, covering herself with her bed sheet, like they hadn't just...He should not have come to her apartment. He should not have kissed her. He should not have stayed with her. Goddamn himself. He'd been here before, and he knew better, but apparently he couldn't stop himself from making the same god damn mistakes over and over.

And now he'd made them with Tashigi. The one person who deserved so much better. He had to stop this. Now. It would be awkward for a while, but in time they could put this up to a one time fling when they were going through a rough patch. They could move past this. In time, his feelings would fade to the background, back to where they'd been for years, and he hated that that thought made him feel sick.

Then she said his name. And he knew whatever she was going to say was going to break him.

* * *

Tashigi couldn't bear to face him, it would be hard enough to bare her feelings, she didn't have the courage to see how he'd react, if his eyes turned indifferent. She swallowed, feeling the words bubbling up, nerves making her shake, but she couldn't let this moment go.

"I...um…" Tashigi sucked in a breath, she could do this. "I-I...I have to be honest with you...the last week has been... No, the last 3 weeks have been...really really- " Tashigi broke off, a lump forming in her throat, "...hard. I'm not handling it right. I'm...I'm used to you being there," Her shoulders hunched and she struggled to keep her voice even. "And now you're... I don't know, I don't know where we stand but...I'm not sorry I kissed you." The last part came out as a whisper, her throat thick. Smoker was silent, frozen just a foot away, she could barely hear the sound of his breathing. Summoning the last of her courage, Tashigi breathed out "I like you...and I don't want to let this go."

* * *

"Tashigi...I...I can't give you what you want," he breathed out, his own words stabbing deep. He looked at his hands, eye line following down to the gray carpet of Tashigi's floor, but he wasn't really seeing it. He could see the way she stiffened, the way her shoulders hunched, the way her knuckles went white on her sheets. The small ways a person breaks.

He never meant to break her. He never wanted to hurt her, but sometimes you break a rib when giving CPR. Sometimes you have to take a punch to avoid a bullet.

"So...this was just...a fling for you?" her voice hitched. Smoker closed his eyes, it would be easier if it was just a fling, and for better or for worse, he couldn't lie to her. "No, but we can't do this." "Do what? Be together?! I'm just supposed to pretend you don't have feelings for me or...me for you?!" her voice was tight with anger.

"Tashigi, our jobs are our first priority," he muttered, placing a hand over his eyes, wishing that hearing her admit her feelings for him didn't have to hurt so much. He had to save her from his own shit. He couldn't handle it if she grew to hate him. Then she'd leave him and it would be like Hina all over again-

"This was a mistake. We need to put this behind us and-"

"Well I don't think I can!" Tashigi whirled around and actually yelled at him.

It was the first time she'd turned to look at him. Her chocolate brown eyes were wide, her breathing heavy, seeming shocked by her own outburst. What the hell did she mean by that?! She was just angry, he could deal with her anger, after all, he deserved it. "Well you're going to have to, because we have work to fucking do," he hissed. He'd left a bite mark on her collar bone, and he looked away. "...I don't understand you. You have feelings for me, and I have feelings for you and...you just want to throw that away?" She whispered. Her voice was off, like...oh. Ah shit, she was crying.

"...I...I've been down this road before, and it doesn't have a good ending Tashigi." He said softly. He hadn't meant to make her cry. He hated it when she cried. His chest felt tight, his eyes hot, and he hated more than anything that at that moment, all he wanted to do was hold her. God damn him to hell. He should go. He needed to go. He'd done enough damage.

He stood up, grabbing his clothing from the floor. Tashigi hadn't moved. "...and if I said this time would be different, would it matter?" she whispered from between her hands. Smoker pulled on his jacket, his throat tight. "Everyone says that," he said quietly. Noriko, Jade, Hina. "...I'm not everyone," she whispered to his back. He stood in her bedroom doorway, and squeezed his eyes shut.

Take the punch to avoid the bullet.

He left.

* * *

**The Day After Smoker left her apartment:**

Tashigi woke up slowly, the blurry sight of her coffee table confusing her. Why was she on her couch…? Memories of the day before pushed into the forefront of her mind. Right. Her fight with Smoker. She sat up, her back complaining from her night on her couch. Her eyes felt like sandpaper. She'd been spending far too many of her days crying, she just wasn't sure how to stop.

It was afternoon by the look of the light streaming in through her curtains. She had the day off, which she was thankful for. The clock in her kitchen ticked loudly in her quiet apartment, as Tashigi stood up and walked into her bedroom.

Her sheets were in total disarray, her clothing still on the floor. She bit her lip, eyes welling painfully. She blinked back the tears hastily, grabbed clothing from her closet, and fled the room.

The crisp air of early evening made Tashigi shiver as she placed her coat on a bench in the training grounds. She quickly swiped her fingers through her hair, tightening her bun and resettling her glasses on her face.

Feeling ready, Tashigi walked the short distance to the middle of the open space and slid Shigure from its sheath. The sound calmed her nerves as she began her warm-up. She hadn't been able to practice in weeks, and the guilt gnawed at her. But she was fixing that now. Letting her mind settle, finding that inner quiet, that inner peace that she so desperately sought.

Tashigi moved into a kirioshiri stance, letting her mind sink into her muscles.

Thoughts like bubbles floated to the surface.

Smoker kissing her on the ship, right after she'd launched a visible slice through the air. The urge to return his kiss being her first reaction, before the shock and confusion settled in.

_Widen her stance. _

And she had been so confused. For nearly a month she'd wracked her brain trying to figure out what she'd done that had apparently made Smoker angry at her, after all, why else would he have been avoiding her? Every interaction brief, gruff, and filled with tension. She'd worried her nails down to the quick, bitten the hell out of her bottom lip, laid awake for hours in her bunk looking for something, anything to explain his behavior.

_Lunge Forward. _

But she'd known what it was. It had been the kiss while undercover. It had _had _to be. And then she'd been angry. Angry that he wasn't talking to her. Angry that something was changing, angry that she couldn't get the kiss out of her mind. Worse still, the comfortable familiarity, the intimacy that they'd shared while they danced made her feel like an electric current thrummed under her skin every time she so much as looked at Smoker.

_"Our jobs are our first priority Tashigi." _

_Downward slice. _The bubble popped.

Tashigi moved faster and faster, spinning and turning.

* * *

Smoker was given the green light to return to full duty two days after he walked away from her. He'd sent her a note with the update. It was impersonal, strange for them. But this was their new normal for now. And he didn't want to blindside her. Tashigi deserved so much better, but that was all he could give her.

A different impersonal note telling him it was over flashed through his head. The first time his commitment to justice, to his job, had led to personal heartbreak. He could still picture the note perfectly, the cold empty feeling taking over his limbs. Not so unlike now. But just like then, his job had to come first.

He fingered a coin in his pocket as he sat alone on the sad excuse for a beach nearest the docks, watching the seagulls dive and swarm, smoke from his cigars disappearing against the overcast sky above.

* * *

A fierce wind blew strongly outside Tashigi's window, blowing a few dead leaves and dirt around, the sky a thick blanket of clouds high above. She could practically feel the chill despite being indoors. She should be going over a report from Vice Admiral Yasarugi, but couldn't find the energy to do so. She would have to add it to the big pile of things to pass to Smoker once he was back on full duty. The thought of Smoker twisted in her gut. His shoulders hunched as he froze by her bedroom door. The sound of her front door closing with a soft click that echoed too loudly. She hadn't heard from him since. She hadn't tried to reach out to him either. She had no idea what to say.

Truthfully, it didn't even feel real, but it had happened. The small mark on her collarbone hidden by her sweater reminded her harshly of the fact. A leaf drifted past, getting caught on the window sill for a moment before being blown away again with no choice in the matter.

"Captain-chan!" Tashigi blinked, her office coming back into focus. Lieutenant Goe was standing in the doorway. "Message from Vice Admiral Smoker!" Her heart leapt into her throat. What was he sending her a message for? He was of the firm belief that meeting in person was far more effective than a note you could just ignore.

Goe passed her a small folded up piece of paper, saluted, and left. She stared at the paper for a moment, feeling suddenly lightheaded. Biting her bottom lip, she unfolded it.

"Reporting for duty tomorrow. Smoker." She stared at the note, flipping it over but knew that was all there was to the message. A memo. He sent her a memo. It was laughably impersonal after he slept with her. After she told him how she felt. After he told her that their feelings didn't matter.

What. The. Fuck. White hot rage rippled down her back and she crumpled the note in her hand. He could have at least had the guts to tell her in person!

What, he couldn't bear to face her after he fucked her and left?! He pushed her away and made her cry! Tashigi clenched her hands into fists, her knuckles turning white. Suddenly her office was too small. The base was too small. The island was too small. She shoved away from her desk, snatched Shigure from the hook by her door and stomped out of her office.

* * *

Smoker's shoulders began to unclench as he passed through the gates onto base. "Smo-yan! Good to have you back!" called one of the soldiers on duty. He rolled his eyes but raised his hand in farewell as he made his way towards the central building, creatively referred to as Central. As Base Commander, his office was on the top floor, which he shared with the other 5 Vice Admirals and their direct subordinates. All the other Vice Admirals were currently at sea, but that was fine. He hated it when everyone was here, too many conflicting personalities, too many assholes bothering Tashigi.

He'd arrived early in order to reorient himself before the day got into full swing. He'd need to schedule meetings to go over base priorities and new rotations, and get caught up on the shit he'd missed while out of commission. He hated paperwork, but it felt good to be back on full duty. It would feel better once he was back out at sea. It would feel better when he didn't feel his chest constrict at the thought of seeing her.

Smoker had taken over Vergo's former office in the left hand corner of the top floor. The door was open as he reached it, a giant pile of paperwork sitting on his desk to greet him. He sighed, pulling out the overly plush leather desk chair, an uncomfortable reminder of his traitorous former commander. He hadn't done much to make the office his own as he spent most of his time shipside. The sea was his home, hunting down pirates (one with a straw hat in particular) was his life. He was a very different type of Base Commander than Vergo, and he was determined to keep it that way. The dark paneled walls and sleek furniture reeked of Vergo and his betrayal, serving as a good reminder, and in light of his lost men, he needed it.

Smoker leaned back in the chair, lit up a cigar, and pulled the first stack of papers towards him.

He was eyeing a report detailing construction of new cannon fortifications when he sensed her approaching. Even without Observation Haki, Tashigi had a distinctive gait. He could pick it out from a crowd, and had in the past. She walked like a swordsman, but with a strange softness, a lightness to her steps.

She slowed down as she neared his office door, her steps hesitant. Smoker looked up from his desk as she peeked in his doorway. There was nothing particularly different about her appearance, her navy black tresses pulled up in a bun, her pink coat, a simple blue collared shirt with small white flowers, sword at her waist, and yet... Their eyes met.

_Her fingers in his hair, his name falling from her lips- _

"Sir," she said with a stiff nod. Then she continued on towards her desk, her steps harder than before. Smoker's shoulders tightened. She'd thrown a small party on deck when he'd recovered from Punk Hazard, despite his grumbling about it. But things were different then, and now she deserved to be angry with him. But that didn't make him wish things weren't different. Didn't make him hate himself any less.

Smoker returned to the document in front of him.

**Three Days:**

The Mess Hall on base had both indoor and outdoor seating, a rarity for bases which made it popular, and though the weather wasn't particularly nice, Smoker chose a seat outside. He'd been indoors far too much for his liking. He'd arrived just after the lunch crowd which suited him fine, he preferred the quiet. Smoker took a bite out of his mashed potatoes, staring out across the courtyard to the training grounds. A few soldiers were practicing. He hadn't run a drill in over a month, he'd have to coordinate with Tashigi to set up the next one.

The last time they'd been on the training grounds, the tired circles under her eyes, the gentle touches of her hands flashed through his mind and his eyes narrowed. He should find someone else to train with for the time being though the thought filled him with intense dislike.

Footsteps behind him made him turn. Tashigi had just walked out of the Mess Hall, her hair had the frazzled look to it that she got when she was nose deep in reports, her glasses sitting on top of her head, but her eyes were a mile away until she saw him and froze. They stared at each other. She bit her lip, then turned around and walked back inside.

Smoker breathed out, pulling a cigar from his pocket, and pushed his food away from him. If things were normal, if he hadn't gone and fucked everything up, they would probably be eating together. And he would never have known what she looked like with a broken heart.

The nicotine from his cigar did nothing to make his chest feel any less constricted.

**Four Days:**

Smoker glared at the new huge pile of papers on his desk. The last couple of days in the office had been difficult for many reasons not only because he was playing catch-up with what felt like every damn department on base, but because his second-in-command couldn't stand to be in the same room as him. In fact, said second-in-command had gone through the effort of waiting until he left his office for lunch to pass them off instead of giving them to him in person.

He needed a smoke.

Smoker sighed as he leaned back in his chair, putting his feet up on his desk. The pile was all the syndicated reports and updates he probably should have gone through first. And on top of it was Tashigi's report on the ongoing investigation of the drug ring that had gotten them into this mess. Irritation pricked at him.

The more he looked through it, the more convinced he became that he and his crew had been purposefully given false information on the Rooster Pirates, which meant that there was a mole in the Navy yet again. That meant he had to be secretive about his investigation. But he couldn't do it alone, and the only one he trusted enough to work with him on this was Tashigi.

Smoker glanced out the window. It was dark, most people had left the office for the day, but he hadn't seen Tashigi leave. It bothered him that he was so aware of her. Had he always been this aware of her, or was it only now that things were complicated that it felt like he was missing a limb? Was it fair to her to ask her to work so closely with him after...everything? He ignored the thought in the back of his head that asked if **he** was sure he could handle working that closely with her.

They needed to find that mole, their feelings be damned.

* * *

There had been reports of pirates attacking a few trading ships not too far from the G-5 base, mostly rookies coming Fishman Island, but Tashigi noted down the pirate flags and recognizable characteristics of the crews. She'd need to pass the information to one of the other Units to tackle.

With Smoker back in rotation, she'd finally had some time to catch up on her backlog of supply paperwork, base reports, and been able to begin refocusing on the drug ring case that had gotten 15 of her men killed, nearly killed her commander, and...made everything complicated. A frown pulled at her lips.

Things were not any better between the two of them, just seeing Smoker made her want to simultaneously cry, yell, and hold him. They'd barely said a word to each other in days and Tashigi couldn't decide if she was thankful or despondent that he had yet to schedule a meeting with her while he'd had several with other officers.

With a sigh, Tashigi flipped to the next report she had shoved into her backlog, and quirked an eyebrow. It was not a report. It was a request from another base, for her. Her eyebrows furrowed. Tashigi had gotten requests before, she was a swords specialist, but she had put in her record that she was uninterested in transfers unless a few specific criteria were met: command of her own unit, and the work required her expertise in swords and sword related materials.

She read through the request. It fit her criteria, but she would have to leave the New World, this position being in the South Blue. Four months, likely longer. Normally she would respond that she was uninterested. The New World was terrifying and tested her in more ways than she could count, famous swords lay in the possession of many nefarious criminals here, and...well she had Smoker. She'd follow him anywhere.

But now?

She placed the request off to the side of her desk and went to reach for the next report when the sound of footsteps made her look up. She knew those footsteps. Tashigi glanced at the clock. It was nearly midnight. Her heart rate sped up as Smoker stepped into her doorway.

His arms were crossed, cigars unlit in his mouth. Tashigi's chest ached just looking at him. "...Sir?" She asked hesitantly. The air seemed to crackle with something. "I need to talk to you. Now," he growled, motioning her to follow him as he turned and walked away. She scrambled out of her chair after him, nearly tripping on the carpet in her haste.

Tashigi followed a few steps behind Smoker, and peeked up at him from under her bangs. His face was inscrutable, his eyes focused. She bit her lip. He was all business but she could see the tightness in his shoulders.

She slowed as they came to his office but he walked past it. Her eyebrows furrowed, and she glanced up at him again. His eyes met hers. The feeling of his lips on her skin, the way he pulled her close flashed before her eyes.

Tashigi looked away, her cheeks feeling hot. She followed him onto their floor landing and to the stairs for roof access. Why were they going to the roof? Tashigi stared at Smoker's back, confusion prickling her skin.

Smoker pushed the door open to the outside air. It was freezing, clouds thick and black above them, blocking out the stars. The two large watch towers/lighthouses that acted as the sentinels for the G-5 soared high above them on either side. The ocean stretched below them, a black mass as far as the eye could see, the port lit with harsh white spotlights illuminating the surf.

The roof of their building was dark, private, no other sounds but the ocean and wind. The door swung shut behind her as Tashigi pulled her coat tighter around her shoulders. Smoker walked to the railing and leaned out, pulling his lighter from his pocket and lighting up.

He was all shadows, backlit by the lights from the port below. The small flame from his lighter illuminated his face in amber. It might have just been the light but his eyes looked tired, a tension to his jaw. For a moment she wanted to ask him if he was alright, but couldn't bring herself to open her mouth, afraid of the answer.

Tashigi tucked her hands into her armpits, and waited, a good ten feet apart from him. Was this about...them? Was he mad at her? She had been avoiding him. Being around him was hard, being this close to him, alone as they were, was hard. She looked down at her feet, suddenly remembering New Year's, months before. Things had been so much simpler then. Her eyes felt hot again. She was so tired of crying, and she really didn't want him to see her cry. She'd done that enough already.

She clenched her teeth, she wanted to get this over with. "Why are we up here, Sir?" she asked, watching the smoke from his cigars drift in the wind. "I read your report on the Rooster Pirate ship," came Smoker's voice. He was looking out towards the ocean. Her eyebrow went up, confusion on her face. Had he brought them up here to talk about work? "...What?" she asked. Smoker turned to look at her, "What's the average return time for information requests from the Information Division these days?"

Tashigi blinked, and tilted her head at him. "Um...at least half a day, at the earliest, Sir," she said quietly, not sure where he was going with this. "When I requested information on the Roosters, I got it in 2 hours," he growled, his hand tightening on the railing. Tashigi stared at him, all other thoughts pushed to the wayside as she chewed his words over, instinctually stepping closer.

"...The information was wrong too," she muttered, joining him at the railing, mind switching gears. Smoker nodded once, "I went through some call logs, and wouldn't you know, my request for information was missing the name of the officer that received it," Smoker blew out a puff of smoke. Tashigi's stomach clenched, the betrayal of Vergo pushing at the back of her mind. "A mole…" she whispered, the metal railing freezing beneath her hands, now understanding why he had brought them to the roof. No one could hear them up here.

"Looks like the Navy let another rat in," Smoker snarled. She turned to look up at her Commander, her own anger reflected on his face. "That means any requests for info we put out will be jeopardized," Tashigi muttered. He nodded, then growled "I'm not letting these fuckers lead us into another trap, but we're losing ground on getting the upper hand on the drug ring, they'll be getting new people to transport shipments, so unless we find the production facility soon, we'll be right back where we started." Their eyes met, and it hit her that this was the first normal conversation they'd had in weeks, the naturalness of it made her heart ache. But it wasn't normal, not really, and Smoker seemed to realize it too as he looked away from her, jaw clenched.

"Tashigi," he opened his mouth, then closed it, pinching the bridge of his nose. The wind died down for a moment, and Tashigi looked out at the ocean. They were less than a foot apart now, she seemed to have gravitated towards him. Or had he gotten closer? "I need you with me on this," Smoker said quietly, and she pursed her lips. Did he really doubt that she would have his back? Hurt wound its way around her chest. "...Smoker-san, I haven't forgotten that our jobs are our first priority," she muttered, proud of how neutral her voice came out. She didn't miss the way he stiffened, and wished that it didn't give her a little satisfaction.

"Tashigi…" his voice sounded resigned and that ignited the anger just below the surface of her skin. He was the one who chose this! "We'll meet at your apartment in a few days and figure out how to finish this fucking assignment, and when it's over, you can pretend that we never happened, just like you fucking want okay?!" she snarled. The anger suddenly died out like a spark, despair taking its place. Her eyes burned, her throat too tight. She couldn't bear to be around him for another second, the comfort of just a few minutes prior was too much. She turned on her heel and strode away, her shoulders back, spine ramrod straight. She'd be damned if she'd let him see her cry again.

**Five Days:**

Tashigi bowed to her opponent, Master Blint, at the small local dojo established in the civilian sector of the G-5 base. She didn't come here often, training with Smoker or against some of her men was her normal routine. But she needed to get away from the office for a little while, especially after the night before.

Master Blint, an old man with a long beard kept in two neat braids, was good, he had to be if he wanted to make money in the New World, though most of his business was teaching the children of military families. Tashigi was the only female patron, but she always held her own.

Back and forth they went; clash! Clash, parry, clash! Tashigi sinking into the place inside herself once more, the bubbles floating to the surface.

The sandbar. The battle. All thoughts of her changing relationship with her commander pushed to the dark recesses of her mind until she was faced with Smoker breathing his last in her arms.

His blood soaking her coat. The way he reached for her, the softness of his touch. The touch of a man only then being able to face his truth. The way her heart pounded in her ears pleading with an unknown god not to take him from her.

Her words had failed her, but as she'd pressed her lips against his bloodied ones, at least her actions had not.

_"Everyone says that, Tashigi." _

She spun, parried Master Blint's slide slash and tapped him on the shoulder with the flat of her blade.

They retook their positions.

**One Week:**

Tashigi passed through the front gates, giving a small smile to the men on guard duty as she trudged slowly towards Central. It was a week today, the small marks on her body had finally faded, though they hadn't taken her feelings with them. Just the thought of seeing Smoker made her stomach feel tight, but as she'd parroted back to her commander, work did come first despite the mere idea of being in her office sounding like torture.

"Captain-chan!" a voice called from her left as she entered the courtyard. Tashigi turned, recognizing Ensign Mup. He was part of Unit 00, Base Staff, but she knew him because he also specialized in swords. He approached her and saluted. "Can I help you Ensign?" she asked. "I was wondering if you had some time to help me out with my sword technique, I got a new blade and was hoping to try it out with someone who knows what they're doing," he smiled sheepishly. Tashigi opened her mouth about to turn him down, thinking of the piles still on her desk and the damn unlabeled maps they'd liberated from the Rooster Pirates but then Smoker's face flashed before her eyes. "Actually, I do have some time, would an hour or two around lunch work?"

"You're still putting too much weight on your front foot," Tashigi commented as Ensign Mup broke apart from her, his new sword glinting in the sun. The wind from the night previous had blown out the clouds, giving them a nice sunny winter day, perfect to be outside practicing. She had been helping Mup for the last hour and a half figuring out where his new weaknesses and balance issues would be with his new sword. He wiped sweat off his brow, breathing heavily. It took a lot of effort to adjust to a new weapon, he was only going to get sloppier from here she decided. "Alright, let's stop here for now," she smiled gently at him as she slid Shigure back into its sheath. Mup looked relieved as he too returned his sword to its sheath. "You're a good teacher Tashigi-chan, I promise I'll work harder and get the balance right," he said with a grin. Tashigi flushed. "I'm sure you will Ensign, it just takes time and effort," she smiled as they made their way back towards Central.

"It's too bad we don't have a full sword unit here, I bet you'd make us the best in the fleet!" he said with a grin. Tashigi turned bright red and looked away. "I-I don't know about that," she said softly, thinking of Roronoa, Trafalagar, and the Shichibuki, Mihawk. Had she gotten stronger? If she could perfect that energy slash, could she best even one of them in combat? Her most recent skirmish with the Roosters left her doubtful, but…"I think so, you have patience, and you keep us idiots in line," Ensign Mup smiled brightly at her. She gave him a small smile back, then said her goodbyes as they went their separate ways.

She climbed the stairs towards her floor slowly, thinking over Mup's words as she recalled the transfer request currently sitting on her desk. If she transferred to South Blue, she could have her own sword unit… Tashigi frowned as she reached the landing, her eyes falling on Smoker's office door, recalling their last interaction a few days prior. Smoker having the nerve to think she would be so caught up in their stupid problem that she wouldn't have his back on the drug ring case, his impersonal memo, his stupid feelings for her that apparently didn't matter (her stupid feelings that mattered too much). She purposefully took the long way to her office as it avoided going past Smoker's door.

* * *

Smoker leaned against the railing on the roof, his two cigars smouldering, watching the courtyard below, waiting for Tashigi to get back from wherever she'd gone for lunch. They needed to talk, and this time not about work. He had been hoping that with giving her some space, they would just move on, but that didn't seem to be working, if anything, avoiding her was just making every time they interacted more excruciating. He clenched his fist as as the awful expression she'd worn on her face on this exact rooftop a few days ago appeared in his mind's eye. Spitting his words back at him had been a pretty good way to slice right into him. If only she knew. Maybe she did. _"We can go back to pretending this never happened just like you want!" _and that's what he should want. But he couldn't stop the way his heart caught in his chest when he saw her.

If only she could understand that he was saving them from much worse heart ache.

She strode into the courtyard not from the direction of the Mess Hall, but from the direction of the training grounds, another sword bearing soldier walking next to her. Had she found someone else to train with? Irritation and something oddly like hurt burned in his chest. He shoved the thought away. So what if she had? She needed to train, just like he did.

He waited a few more minutes, stomped out his cigars and headed back inside.

* * *

Tashigi had barely sat down at her desk when she heard his footsteps. What was he coming to bother her with now? Didn't she have enough to do? She glanced down at her desk, papers strewn everywhere, so different from his desk, always immaculate. The smell of his cigars reached her before he did, and she frowned for a moment. Her shoulders tightening as he stepped into her doorway. "Captain," he said. Oh, he was mad, join the club. "Vice Admiral," she responded, feeling slight satisfaction that her response seemed to throw him slightly. He eyed her then stepped inside her office and shut the door, leaning against it. That threw her slightly. Touche.

They eyed each other, the silence growing and taking the tension with it. Finally, Smoker growled and Tashigi felt a little bit of satisfaction at making him lose his cool demeanor. "You've been avoiding me," he said simply. He was right, she had been, not that he was going out of his way to talk to her either. "Pot calling the kettle black," she muttered. He narrowed his eyes at her then sighed like she was the one being difficult.

"I know you're angry with me," he said quietly. Angry with him? That was putting it mildly. Add confused and sad and hurt and maybe they'd get somewhere! She said nothing.

"And I get it, but we can't just avoid each other all the time. You're my second-in-command, and I need to be able to talk to you," he crossed his arms with an exasperated sigh. She stared at him, her mouth open. He "got" it? What exactly did he get? That she didn't understand why he would push her away? That she didn't just sleep with anyone? That she was hurt that he didn't think she would put their jobs as her highest priority?!

Tashigi's eye twitched and she glared down at her desk, throat tight with rage, her eyes beginning to burn again. Goddammit! "You want to talk then talk!" she ground out through clenched teeth, her hands white knuckled in her lap.

His eyes narrowed to slits, and his mouth twisted into a scowl. He reached up to grab a cigar from his jacket holster, but he'd smoked through them all. He let out a frustrated growl, saying nothing. Then he turned, opened her door, and left.

Again.

* * *

Smoker slammed his office door, and threw himself into Vergo's desk chair. That had not gone at all like he'd hoped. He'd made it worse even. He'd gone to her office hoping to smooth things over, or at least make it clear to Tashigi that he was going to stop trying to avoid her, and that he hoped she could do the same. But then he'd gotten there and everything went to shit. It was the same as what happened with Noriko, every time they fought she would just clam up, keep him out until it turned into a shouting match and she'd leave, until she didn't come back.

He ran a hand through his hair roughly. Tashigi had never shut him out before, and it...it fucking hurt.

Smoker leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and forced out a breath. He deserved it though. If shutting him out was what she needed to do, then he'd have to let her. Whatever made her feel better, whatever helped her move on from him. The thought was like a hot knife into his abdomen. Goddammit, even though he knew he was doing this for their own good, it still fucking hurt. He yanked open the desk draw that contained his extra cigars, and found it to be empty. He'd smoked through them too. "Fuck!" he snarled, slamming his desk drawer and putting his head in his hands. Just his goddamn luck.

* * *

**Ten Days:**

Tashigi stood once again in the training grounds, but this time before the sun had yet to rise. She'd woken just a little while earlier, consumed with the need for the quiet she could only achieve from practicing her craft.

She wanted to try to create the energy wave again.

She settled into a wide stance, the freezing morning air burning her nose. But it was never as cold as the air on Punk Hazard. Gripping Shigure tightly, with a cry, she slashed at the open air. Over and over, adjusting her stance, focusing. Focusing.

Focusing until everything faded.

After the sandbar, their ship feeling so empty, just like she had. How she'd found herself wandering through the belly of the ship, outside his door. She'd searched him out not to talk about them, but because she needed the comfort, the assurance that he was still with her.

Smoker's lips on hers, asking her to stay. His feelings for her still on the surface, still accessible to him from his near brush with death. He hadn't had time to put his walls back in place, to think about whether or not he should or shouldn't.

The way he'd looked in the morning, asleep next to her. That was when the line had been crossed for her. And then, like now, she couldn't bring herself to regret it.

_"I've been here before and it doesn't have a happy ending Tashigi." _

She yelled as she slashed through the air, over and over and over.

The sun rose.

Tashigi glared intensely at the charts in front of her, the unlabeled landmasses on the charts from the Roosters' ship mocking her. She'd managed to piece together a rough map of the drug ring and somewhere within it were her mysterious islands. She hoped. It was a real bitch when she had to sneak into the G-5's records departments and hunt through the information they had on base instead of just reaching out to Marineford and requesting the latest maps. She rubbed her eyes tiredly. She'd been up since before the sun rose, and now it was long after it had set. But she wanted to get this done. Wanted to make progress on this case. She sighed heavily.

She'd received a note from Smoker earlier in the day, she was supposed to meet him at his apartment tomorrow night to go over the case, and she was dreading it. The thought of being alone with him for a prolonged period of time made her ache. His lips on hers, the sheer warmth of him, the desperation of his voice in her ear-

Angry tears sprouted from her eyes. Just a few months ago, this situation would have been almost unimaginable. She would have had no problem working with Smoker on solving this case, ferreting out a spy, just **talking** to him. She missed those days, worse, she missed him! Ignoring her feelings wasn't working for her like it was for Smoker. Though he had been chain smoking, which was saying something for a guy who smoked two cigars at once on a daily basis. Maybe he wasn't as able to ignore them as he'd thought. She swiped a thumb under her eyes.

She just wanted to understand. What the fuck did he mean that he'd been here before? If she wasn't just a fling then why couldn't they be together?! They spent so much of their time together as it was! Why couldn't they try?! They both knew the rules thing was bullshit. Like he'd ever give her a promotion she didn't earn, like she'd ever fucking want that in the first place. As long as they continued catching pirates and doing their jobs, nobody gave a shit. Hell, most couples in the Navy were in similar circumstances, and she knew Smoker would never hold her back from going after her dreams. So what the fuck?

She scraped a hand over her face and pulled her hair out of her ponytail, massaging her scalp. She felt like she'd had a headache all week, and it probably wasn't going to end anytime soon.

* * *

**Eleven days:**

Smoker pursed his lips, glaring at the logs in front of him. The problem was two pronged. They needed to figure out the location of the production facility, and avoid alerting the spy. If they could do that, then they could likely figure out the owner of the production facility and send a contingent out to arrest them, and the drug ring would be broken. He'd discovered a pattern within the latest drug confiscation reports that suggested the origin of the drug was somewhere in the southern end of a chain of islands not far from Goro and Red Skull. He hoped Tashigi had had more luck with identifying the unlabelled charts they'd liberated from the Rooster Pirates.

He looked up at the clock on his office wall, and furrowed his eyes. It was about time he headed back to his apartment. He would be meeting Tashigi there to hopefully make heads or tails of the logs, maps, and reports they had.

He wished he could say he wasn't dreading this, but the tension had been ratcheting up between them for days, and he felt like he was nearing the end of his rope. If it wasn't for the need for secrecy and speed, he would have let Tashigi continue to avoid him, wouldn't have tried to force the issue. But here they were.

He took a deep breath to center himself. He'd need a clear head for this.

* * *

The night sky was clear for the first time in weeks, the fierce winds having blown out the clouds. The stars twinkled high above Tashigi as she made her way through the grid of Navy apartments, biting her lip the closer she got. The last time she'd been at Smoker's apartment was the day of the funeral. He'd left her that morning too. She shook her head as if to dispel the thought. Thinking about that wouldn't get this over with faster, and she wasn't here to pick a fight with him. Which was why, in one hand was her briefcase, heavy with all her case notes, and in the other, was a bag of takeout. She knew that with the chain smoking, and his focus on the case, he most likely hadn't been eating right. So she'd grabbed some food on her way over as a peace offering.

With a small anxious frown, she knocked on his front door. A few moments later, the door opened, and she blinked as Smoker's arm retreated back smokily into his office. She raised an eyebrow. Smoker must be onto something. She walked inside and shut the door behind her, aiming for his small kitchen. She glanced into his office curiously. He was suspending a slew of papers in the air with his smoke, a look of intense concentration on his face, cigar smoke billowing around him.

She knew that look, and couldn't help the tiny smile that appeared on her face. She sat down at his table and pulled her food out, starting on it before popping her briefcase open and taking over the rest of the table with her notes and leads to follow.

* * *

Smoker reached for a cigar from his holster and grasped nothing. That pulled him back into the present. He'd been running out of cigars too often as of late. He sighed in disgust, shaking his head. He needed a break anyway, the pattern he'd noticed in the reports of confiscated drugs needed a second pair of eyes. He stood up, rubbing the back of his neck and stepped out of his office.

His kitchen and coffee table looked like they had been hit by a paper hurricane, a familiar black briefcase overflowing with folders was open in the middle of his living room floor. Tashigi sat on his couch, pouring over something, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth, her jacket and a gray sweater thrown over the arm of his couch. She glanced up at him, "I brought food...if you're hungry," pointed at his kitchen table, then looked back at whatever she was working on.

He eyed her for a moment, taking in her black jeans and maroon tank top, then pulled out his chair and dug through the bag of food. She'd stopped by the sandwich place he liked in the civilian zone of the base. It was more on the cold side but he didn't care. He was starving. As he inhaled his food, it hit him how utterly domestic this was. His eyes flicked back to Tashigi. They'd been like this before, him coming out of a work fueled haze, her calmly waiting for him, then giving him news or food, or whatever else. Even when she was mad at him, she had his well being in mind. He really, really didn't deserve her.

That thought killed his appetite. He didn't need to remind himself of that. With a sigh, he turned his chair around and crossed his legs. Tashigi looked up at his movement. They stared at each other for a moment, an uncomfortable level of tension in the air. "So um...should we get started then?" she asked, pushing her glasses up her nose and tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. For some reason, the movements made him look away from her. "I found a pattern. But I want you to corroborate it." She nodded and they got to work.

Two hours later, Smoker leaned his head back against the wall, his neck aching from glaring down at the papers scattered all over his coffee table. Tashigi sat on the floor next to his couch, a map spread out all around her. They had just finished combining all of their information, and were now beginning the real hard part: guesswork.

"Ugh, why can't these pirates just sell drugs in the open and get arrested that way?" Tashigi muttered. Smoker snorted. "Then we'd be out of a job," he smirked slightly when she looked up and rolled her eyes at him. "...Maybe we should have gone undercover as drug peddlers, we probably would have been done by now," she said darkly, shoving the end of her pen in her mouth. "Nobody would have believed you," Smoker said dead pan. Tashigi whipped her head around and stuck her tongue out at him. "I suppose I'll take it as a compliment that I can't pull off big, bad, and scary, unlike someone in this room," she retorted. He looked down at her with narrowed eyes. "...Only proving my point, Sir." He rolled his eyes this time.

They were quiet for a moment, but it was a companionable quiet. It occurred to him that he hadn't joked around with her in a long time. Too long. He gazed down at Tashigi as she picked up one of the reports and began flipping through it. Her hair had come loose from her ponytail, flowing in messy waves down her back and falling into her face. He had the sudden urge to run his fingers through it.

Something clicked in the back of his mind. "Tashigi," he said suddenly. She looked up at him. He got off his couch and joined her on the floor, forcing her to move out of the way as he grabbed the map, scanning it. "Which one of these," he gestured at a group of small islands in the bottom of Quadrant 4, "has the lowest crime rate?" Tashigi blinked, then started shuffling through the papers on the table, "Why the lowest crime rate?" she asked, her eyes darting to him. "Sometimes the enemy you least expect is the most dangerous," he inclined his head in her direction and she gave him a tiny smile out of the side of her mouth. "I don't know if it has the lowest crime rate, but it does have the fewest drug confiscations," she muttered, pointing to a small shape on the map. It was right in the middle of the area they'd narrowed down with the logs. "Moleaux Island…" Smoker mumbled, trying to remember what he knew about it, but Tashigi was already digging through her mountain of folders. A smile tugged at his lips, it seemed like she'd brought information on every possible island within the drug ring that the G-5 had available. She was nothing if not thorough, a quality he appreciated.

She finally pulled out the folder they were looking for and began going through it. "Hmmm… not the most exciting of islands. A summer island, tourists for the beaches, main exports are fishing since the island is surrounded by coral reefs and sandbars-" she froze. His eyebrow went up. She opened her mouth, then closed it, her eyes darting back and forth, then she looked at him. "Sandbars," she stated, like it was supposed to mean something to him other than his last brush with death. "Meaning?" he raised an eyebrow. "...Why did we end up meeting the Roosters on a sandbar?" she asked. "We weren't supposed to, I wanted to engage them in the open water," he growled. "So why were they on that sandbar...?" He still wasn't following, but Tashigi had begun digging through the papers again, this time pulling out the copies of the unlabelled charts they'd confiscated from the Roosters. "These have been driving me crazy! They haven't matched the shapes of any of the nearby islands, and they are weird, no elevation, no landmarks, nothing!" she pointed aggressively at the charts. "But it makes sense if they are sandbars!" she looked at him, a big grin on her face.

Something else clicked in Smoker's head. They hadn't found any drugs on the Roosters' ship, and the drugs, like many illicit substances, weren't coming through the main ports. Pirate ships were noticeable, so having a place to do the exchange that wasn't at the factory itself but somewhere nearby made sense. "The sandbars are the drop points," Smoker muttered. "And this island has a bunch of them!" Tashigi grinned but then frowned slightly. "If we make a move, the spy will make it all pointless," she groaned.

"Not unless we set a trap," Smoker grinned viciously, and reached over Tashigi's shoulder tapping the island. "Using the sandbars will be their undoing," he grinned. Tashigi grinned back. They were only a few inches apart. A lock of her hair had escaped from behind her ear, and without thinking, he tucked it back into place. Tashigi's eyes widened, her breath hitching. An alluring pink flush spread across her cheeks and he leaned in at the same time as she did, lips brushing.

Something in his chest loosened, a weight dropping from his shoulders, as she placed the palm of her hand on the side of his face, pulling him closer. A small sigh left her lips.

What the fuck was he doing?!

Like he'd been doused in ice water, he jumped away from her, scrambling to his feet, breathing harshly. The tension in the room was practically a living thing. "I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry," he muttered. He'd just reset all the progress they'd made in trying to return to normal. In trying to get her to move on from him.

"...Why?" came Tashigi's voice. There was a humming, buzzing undertone to it. "Why not Smoker?" she demanded, and he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye as she too got to her feet.

He sighed heavily. "We've been over this," he said quietly. "Like hell we have!" She stepped closer to him to hiss in his face. "Give me a real answer Smoker! I know it's not about "the rules" and I know it's not because you don't have feelings for me, so what is it?!" There was fire in her eyes, a match to light the tension in the air aflame. "Tashigi," he growled. "No, you don't get to evade me this time!" She jabbed her finger into his chest and he backed up. "Why Smoker?!" She followed him as he backed farther away from her. They were in the middle of his apartment now. Why the fuck couldn't he keep himself in check?! Everything had been fine just a few moments ago before he'd once again gone and fucked it all up!

"Why do you keep pushing me away?!" Her voice was pained, and it yanked at him. He never could say no to her. And it would be his undoing.

"I'm not an easy man to be with Tashigi!" He ground out, closing his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You don't think I know that?! I've been with you since Loguetown!" He clenched his teeth. "With the bullshit in Alabasta-" he dragged his hand down his face, "through the War-" his hand tightened into a fist, "I followed you to the fucking G-5!" She shouted at him. She had been with him, she was the only one who never left. Hina left him, Kuzan left him. But she'd stayed by his side, despite his blatant disregard of their superiors, despite his constant scolding, despite him dragging her across the world on a mad chase to go after one goddamn idiot hell-bent on becoming King of the Pirates.

"You deserve better than me, Tashigi!" She deserved someone warm, someone nice, someone who wouldn't get her into trouble, someone who would put her first. "You don't get to decide that!" She cried, stepping up to him. She was close, too close. And if he didn't push her away, then he'd lose her. But he'd tried everything. Everything but the truth. The most painful of all.

"TASHIGI! Eventually you'll realize that I'm more trouble than I'm worth and you'll come to hate me and I just can't! I couldn't handle that alright?! I just don't want you to hate me!" He roared at her. His heart pounding, eyes aching. The lump in his throat was making it hard to breathe. She stared at him, dumbfounded, her mouth open. There was something in her eyes that he couldn't bear to see.

Smoker covered his eyes with his hand. He was shaking. The silence of his apartment rang in his ears. "Smoker…" she whispered, her fingertips reaching out to brush the back of his hand over his eyes. He flinched away from her like he'd been burned. He didn't want to hear whatever she was going to say. It wouldn't matter in the face of the truth. "Go," he whispered. The trembling was getting worse. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly. She didn't move. "Tashigi...go," his voice was tight, so fucking fragile. Still she didn't move. It was getting almost impossible to breathe. He bit his bottom lip, hard. "...Please," he choked out.

A few moments later Smoker was alone in his apartment as he broke apart.

* * *

**Notes:**

Well, there's my first sex scene. Tell me your thoughts!

The next chapter is the last one. I swear it has a happy ending, I swear!  
Writing two characters being grumpy at each other when all they both really want to do is be together is very hard.

As always, thank you for reading and all feedback is appreciated! You can find me on twitter at buggyisbest


	10. Always

**Chapter 10: Always**

Maybe we can try, just one more time.

* * *

It was nearly dawn, that time when everything is shades of gray and blue shadow. The fog layer had blown in, shrouding everything in mist so thick Tashigi was unable to see the ocean from her apartment rooftop, where she sat tucked against a ventilation pipe.

It was cold and damp, and Tashigi knew she was tired in a faraway part of her mind, but couldn't bring herself to go inside.

She thought that she understood Smoker. She knew the way he liked his coffee, what times to bother him with things he didn't want to hear, that he appreciated homemade gifts and had a soft spot for kids and dogs.

She thought she knew him. That his self destructive behaviors limited themselves to pissing off their higher-ups and smoking. To overworking himself till his hands trembled from too much caffeine and too little sleep. That sometimes he'd sit on the prow of the ship watching the ocean late at night, flipping a coin over and over when something truly bothered him.

But she thought wrong. Because now she knew him in a way that tugged at her heart. Now she knew what it was that scared Smoker, the great White Hunter, the Navy's Mad Dog, the most determined man she knew, away from her.

* * *

The merchant ship that was docked in the G-5's port section for civilian use was small and dingy in the dull yellow lights from the dock. Smoker doubted it looked much better in the middle of the day. The sails had seen many better days, and it was obvious that the owner was not making enough to cover full repairs, but it would have to do. Not that many civilian ships docked at the G-5, especially not many that were heading in the direction of Moleaux Island. The icy wind whipped Tashigi's hair into her face as she turned to look up at Smoker from under her cloak.

"Standard update procedure?" she asked, there was a stilted tone to her voice. Things between them for the last few days had been...if he had to put a name to it, resigned. They'd had no interaction outside planning this operation in the dead hours of the night in his office, which somehow had become neutral territory. She hadn't said anything to him about their last argument.

But what more could be said anyway?

He nodded. Tashigi looked back to watch a couple of her men board the ship. It had taken a few days, but they had come up with a doable plan to find the drug production facility and ferret out the mole. Said plan hinged on secrecy, so Tashigi and a small contingent of soldiers were leaving under the cover of darkness, heading for the suspected island in hopes of locating the facility.

"Well...that's everyone. Um…" she pushed her hair out of her eyes again, her glasses getting tangled for a moment. Thunder rumbled overhead as a strange melancholy came over him. Smoker breathed out a stream of smoke before meeting her eyes. She was biting her lip, something in her expression making him clench his jaw. "I'll talk to you tomorrow then, um...good luck Smoker-san, Sir," she saluted and turned towards the gangplank, almost slipping on the damp concrete. Something caught in his chest and he couldn't stop himself from calling out to her, "You too, Tash-...Captain." She turned back to look at him for a moment and gave him a weak smile before disappearing inside the ship.

The rain began coming down as the ship pulled out of port.

* * *

**A Week at Sea:**

"Report Captain, over," came Smoker's voice through the small black transponder snail on Tashigi's wrist. It was the middle of the night and the stars shone brightly overhead, not a cloud in sight. The microclimate around Moleaux Island was warm, and slightly humid. A gentle breeze stirred the air. She didn't even need to wear a coat. Quite a dramatic difference from Base with its freezing, rainy, windy nights.

Tashigi sat against the railing in the back of the small merchant ship that she'd been on for the last week. It was quiet and she had good cover due to the metal crates and barrels stacked on deck.

"Entered the climate zone this afternoon, should be docking before noon tomorrow. No mishaps thus far, saw a pirate ship around midday, but they left us alone," Tashigi spoke quietly, then "How're things on your end? Over." "All clear, no discernible movement from the mole, report in at 19:00 tomorrow, over and out," and the line went dead. Tashigi took a deep breath, even from miles away, there was still tension when they spoke, though now it felt like she was talking with someone she used to know. The closeness they once shared felt like a thousand miles away, and her chest ached. Smoker's face on the verge of a breakdown, the anguish tattooed from his drawn brows to his clenched jaw. So foreign from the man she'd watched go after pirates with impunity. It was this that haunted her thoughts during her free moments, this that pulled at Tashigi's heartstrings.

She looked up at the stars and wondered if Smoker could see them too.

* * *

Hanging up with Tashigi left Smoker's office quiet, the sound of rain his only companion. It was late but Smoker had no interest in returning to his apartment. Too many thoughts, too many memories were triggered there. Speaking to her was painful enough.

His eyes settled on his stack of rocks on the corner of the desk. He pulled them towards him, lighting a cigar. Letting his thoughts flow over him, around him, through him. He hoped the simple action would bring peace to his thoughts.

The face of a woman he hadn't thought of in years slowly floated before his eyes. Her blue eyes were downcast, her lips turned down in disappointment._ "Smoker, there will always be more pirates." _Smoker blinked. Noriko, his first serious girlfriend. They'd last a year and a half before she walked out on him. He placed another rock on the stack.

They'd met right after he'd graduated the Academy and was placed on his first crew. He could still picture her near perfectly the day they'd met. A bunch of his crewmates had decided to throw a huge party after successfully fending off a slew of pirates. He hadn't really wanted to go, but ended up there anyway. She was a civilian that had been dragged there by her friends. He'd left the party to find a quiet space to smoke, and that's when he saw her. She'd been sitting on the steps in back of the barracks building, staring out at the sea. Her blue hair was tied back, her black dress clinging in all the right places. She'd let him smoke in peace, and when he put out his cigar he asked what her name was. They stayed out there together the rest of the night.

_"Smoker, there will always be more pirates, can you make it to dinner just this time?" _That's what sparked their first fight. He'd felt bad for letting her down, but she didn't understand. He needed to do his job. Yes, there were always more pirates but that meant he couldn't slack off, he had to be there to keep people safe. No more dead kids, no more rapes, no more burned towns.

Three rocks, still, stable, balanced.

_"I haven't seen you in weeks, are you seriously canceling on me last minute again?!" _

And their second. He was young, fresh out of the Academy, still adjusting to Navy life and had no clue how to juggle his new priorities with someone whose civilian life was so different than his. So he agreed to move in with her on their first year anniversary, hoping that he would figure it out.

Five rocks, mismatched shapes, steady, leaning slightly but still balanced.

_"I want to be a part of your life, Smoker, but I feel like there's no room for me!" _

Were the words that ended it. He'd genuinely liked Noriko. She was smart and funny, appreciated a sunrise, and a good book. He never wanted to hurt her, never meant to drive her away. But she wanted to be his top priority.

And she never could be. He'd come home after a month at sea to find their apartment empty. He'd taken a transfer to the Grand Line the next day and hadn't heard from Noriko since.

_"Let's get you home, Sir," _Tashigi's voice echoed in his head, her hand tucked in his own.

At nine rocks, the stack came tumbling down. Smoker took a deep drag on his cigars, and stood up from his desk. The smile on Tashigi's face as she launched an energy slash through the air followed him back to his apartment.

* * *

**Landfall:**

Tashigi sighed as she disembarked with her men from the boat. The captain, his mustache heaving to-an-fro, barely acknowledged their leaving, already embroiled with an argument about the port fee with a woman Tashigi assumed was the Port Master. Tashigi glanced at her men, and stifled a giggle. They were all wearing various versions of cargo shorts, sandals, and floral patterned shirts, as part of their efforts to look like a tourist group. Tashigi herself was wearing blue shorts, a tank top, and a sun hat. She felt strange out of uniform, only amplified by the fact that the last time she'd been undercover, she had been with Smoker, when things had still been "normal". And now she was here, alone. And things were decidedly not "normal".

The port they landed in was on the north side of the island, a small city named Reims. It was midafternoon and hot, the sun high in the sky. Families picnicked on the beach, the shrieking of the seagulls and the sound of the waves gently meeting the shore made Tashigi feel like she was in another world. Something lifted in her chest and she sucked in a deep breath of the warm air.

Her eyes settled on the town, the buildings with their flat roofs and bright colors, vibrant awnings and sharp greenery. She signaled for her men to follow her and began walking down the street. First things first, she needed a map.

"Report Captain, over," Smoker's growl always sounded weird coming out of a den den mushi. The snails just didn't match his timbre, his gruff and serious demeanor. It was comical. Tashigi looked at the glass of wine in her hand. Maybe it was stronger than she thought. She leaned back against the wall of the room she'd procured for the night, stretching out her legs in front of her. She'd let her men wander the town, both for information and because they seemed so excited to be in a place that wasn't in the middle of its winter cycle.

"We made landfall on the north side of the island, a city called Reims. I found a map, I'll send a picture of it to you. I've marked down a few possibilities where the factory could be located but they are on the east side of the island, it'll be a few days before we make it out there. Over." "Any possibility of speeding that up? Over." Smoker grumbled. Tashigi rolled her eyes. "Playing tourist isn't a fast process, Smoker-san," Tashigi muttered, "It's a nice change though, I think I almost forgot what summer felt like." "You're on a mission, not shore leave," Smoker cut in. Tashigi took a sip of her wine. "If I was on shore leave, I would have brought a bathing suit," she muttered. The line went quiet and Tashigi sighed, hopefully loud enough for Smoker to hear it. "Send over the map, I'll see if I can triangulate with the charts. Over," the cold in his tone pulled her lips downward as the heaviness in her chest returned. "...Understood Sir. Update tomorrow at the same time? Over." Smoker confirmed and the line went dead. It reminded her of when she first started working with him.

He was professional, cool, suave. And she was a clumsy, goody-two shoes. Tashigi wanted to make him proud _so _badly. And for some reason he'd supported her, never looked down on her like the commander she'd served under before him. And she'd learned to be better, and Smoker warmed up to her.

_"I just don't want you to hate me Tashigi!" _

How could she _ever _hate him?

The weight in her chest made her feel cold despite the warmth of the evening, and the wine in her system. She sighed and downed the rest of her glass as the sounds of laughter and crickets echoed up to her from the world outside her room.

* * *

Tashigi watched as her men settled down to rest after a long day of traveling through mostly uninhabited rainforest towards the eastern coast of the island. They were off the main thoroughfare, the stars visible through the tree branches high above.

The last embers of the fire sparked out as Tashigi settled against the trunk of a tall cypress tree, listening to the crickets. Smoker was due to call in any minute now. She sighed as she pulled out the map she'd picked up and looked at it.

Moleaux Island was a tropical island with a dormant volcano smack dab in the middle of it. Most of the population lived on the coasts, the middle of the island being mountainous terrain. Reims had been the largest city on the northern coast, a spot for tourists and the occasional merchant ship like the one she'd charted to get here.

The east side of the island however, was closer to the sandbars and had flatter terrain, more industry, and more locals. It was likely that the factory was there. Tashigi hoped Smoker could narrow down the search or she'd be stuck here for another few weeks.

Not that she was in a rush to get back, she kind of hoped the space between them would give them both time to think. The snail on her wrist buzzed and Smoker's rumble filled the air, making her heart beat painfully. "Report Captain, over." Tashigi pursed her lips, not liking that he was calling her by her title instead of her name. Like they weren't on a first name basis anymore. Like they weren't friends anymore.

And if they weren't friends, then what were they?

She was glad these den den mushis didn't take on the facial expressions of their users. She didn't think hers would be appreciated as she swiped quickly at the tears forming in the corner of her eyes. "We should be reaching the coast by tomorrow afternoon, near a town called Toulouse. Have you made much progress on the triangulation? Over." She didn't bother greeting him. If he wanted to be strangers...no, if he needed to be strangers then there was nothing she could do to stop it.

But she'd seen under the mask, and it was much harder for her to forget. She bit her lip.

"Try Ouvreville. Should be roughly five leagues south of Toulouse. They have a decent sized trading port. If not there, then your next best shot is Clanoit, another six leagues south from there. Over," She could hear him light a cigar in the background. Her chest ached as she pictured him sitting at his desk. A night loon flew overhead, it's trill haunting but beautiful. She wondered if he heard it. She didn't want to talk about work. She ached for the way things used to be, for the sarcastic jokes, for the small smiles, for the way he would relax around her. But how could she bring that back? _"Eventually you'll realize I'm more trouble than I'm worth!" _

"Smoker-san...I…" her voice trailed off in the night air. His line was silent but she knew he was listening. She took a breath, "...Same time tomorrow?"

* * *

Smoker stared out his office window, watching the rain thunder down in icy sheets. It had been a few hours since he'd checked in with Tashigi, but he couldn't get it out of his mind. She'd wanted to say something to him, he could tell by the undertone in her voice that it wasn't about their mission. But she hadn't. Instead, she'd dropped whatever it was and ended the call. _"What do you want Tashigi?" "...For you to stop pushing me away." she whispered as she closed the distance between them. _

Smoker pinched the bridge of his nose between his forefingers. He needed something to occupy his mind, and taking a walk, or training was off the table. His eyes once again fell on the pile of rocks on the corner of the desk.

The first few rocks were easy, despite him always trying to pick them at random. It was once you got beyond three that it started to get challenging. He eyed the rock in his hand, looking for the best way to balance it. The rock was smooth, but covered in crack-like markings. Jade had given it to him on their one year anniversary.

His eyebrows furrowed as he breathed out cigar smoke. Unlike his office in Loguetown, Vergo's office never filled up with smoke. He'd met Jade at the bar she owned while he was posted for a year and a half on Atlas Island in the Grand Line. She was whip cracking smart with a mouth like a sailor but she used her spare money to run the only orphanage on the island. They'd hit it off almost instantly. But Atlas Island was in the middle of a war with its neighbors and a hot spot for illegal substances and all the dangers that came with it.

_"Hell Smoker, did you have to chase the fucking thugs right into their hideout?!" _Were Jade's first words to him after he'd broken four fingers in his left hand and gotten a nasty concussion. He'd apologized and told her he'd be more careful next time. He'd meant it, but he knew that in his line of work, careful wasn't always an option.

_"I'm just supposed to ignore your feelings for me...and mine for you?" _Tashigi's face flashed before his eyes. His hands stiffened as he tried to put the sixth rock on top.

_"Do you have to be so fucking reckless all the goddamn time?! Why the fuck can't you just take a fucking desk job?! The pay is better! Why do you always have to put your life on the line?!" _After he'd stumbled into Jade's bar with a gunshot wound to the shoulder. But what was the point in living if he couldn't make a difference? He could help people, he could bring justice to those who so rarely got it. He could make it better with his own hands, could protect his crewmates, his friends. The fuckers at their desks never saw what he saw, they made bad calls and never felt the fall out. He had to be better than that.

_"I followed you to the fucking G-5!" _Tashigi's bright brown eyes burned into him. The ninth rock shook slightly beneath his hand.

_"I can't fucking do this Smoker, one day you just won't come back," _Jade's gray eyes looked at him, resignation reflecting like steel. She'd waited till her cigarette burned all the way down, and left him in his hospital bed. Smoker reached up and rubbed the scar on his shoulder.

_"I wasn't there when you needed me! I wasn't strong enough to get to you!" _Tashigi's tear stained face flashed before him as the stack collapsed onto Smoker's desk.

* * *

The ocean sprayed lightly onto Tashigi's face as the small ferry she'd chartered cut through the afternoon waves with its colorful wooden paddles. They'd reached Ouvreville that morning and she'd split her men into two groups to begin looking for possible manufacturing facilities. Her group of three sat behind her chatting about the local beach scene and hitting on their tour guide.

A sprawling chemical plant, its metal tanks shining in the sun caught Tashigi's eye. It was tucked back into a small inlet off the shore, trees partially blocking the view as they sped past. She turned to the flushing tour guide with a small glare at her men who had the audacity to look abashed and said "Excuse me, but is that beach open to the public? It looks nice," she smiled brightly as she pointed back towards the plant. Their guide smiled apologetically, "Ah, no that's Mazuno-san's property, it's not open to the public." Tashigi could make out a sandbar with scraggly trees in the distance, and thanked the woman.

* * *

The lagoon behind the cabana she'd rented for the next few nights was alive with the croaking of frogs and crickets. The stars twinkled high overhead and the breeze brought the gentle smell of salt and earth. Tashigi walked along the edge of the water, nerves tingling. Smoker was due to call in soon. At least this time she had some good news to tell him, maybe that would lighten him up. "Report Captain, over," his voice coming through the den den mushi made her jump. Tashigi felt a flash of irritation that he was still using her title. "Found a possibility, a chemical plant right on the coast, owned by someone named Pierre Mazuno. Seems like he purchased the plant and closed the access beach off to the public about a year ago. He's bought up a lot of local businesses and land recently too. Over."

"How profitable is a chemical plant on an island whose biggest industry is tourism?" She could hear the smirk on Smoker's face. "It is quite the eye sore and seems to have an impact on the local coral reefs..." she smiled slightly. She was right, her good news would lighten him up. "How would you like me to proceed, Smoker-san? Over." Tashigi asked quietly as she came to a halt in front of a small bridge crossing over the lagoon. "Carefully, scout out the area and look for more evidence. Do your best not to tip them off. I want as much confirmation as possible before we move to Phase 2. Over." She smiled. "We'll get them Smoker-san."

* * *

The sun's radiant rays beat down upon her skin. Tashigi lay on a hammock strung between two palm trees on the beach, listening to the people around her. Women chastising children for not putting on sunscreen, dogs barking at the waves, the cries of seagulls. Tashigi pressed a hand over her eyes and breathed in, the sun making her vision glow red behind her eyelids. She'd assigned her men to information gathering, hoping she could figure out the chemical plants shipment schedule and more information on the owner. She herself was planning on scouting out the area around the plant later that night, trying to figure out its security measures.

Tashigi wanted to be well rested before that, so had attempted to sleep during the day, but found it to be impossible. Her thoughts kept going to places she didn't want them to.

She'd hoped fresh air would do her good. The smell of cigar smoke drifted over her and she reopened her eyes. A man walked by with a friend, smoking. She frowned and sat up. She wished she could train, but a tourist walking around with a sword drew attention. She pouted as a dog ran past. A thought struck her and she tilted her head.

Just because she couldn't train didn't mean she was out of options. Tashigi set off back to her room at a trot, leaving the hammock swinging gently behind her.

* * *

Tashigi tugged on the laces of the pink pair of running shoes she'd brought, gathered her navy blue hair up into a ponytail, took a deep breath, and pushed herself into a run. There was a long path that ran alongside the beach, and she decided to take it, might as well get a lay of the land while she was at it.

It had been a while since she'd run in the "real world" as opposed to on a track. Smoker was her usual running companion, and the track on base was always busy. Now however, she was alone and it struck her that she couldn't recall the last time she had run on her own.

The path was crowded for a while with people heading to the beach or running errands but once she was out of the downtown zone, it became almost eerily empty. The trail snaked around lagoons and over small bridges, hugging the shore at times and others the sea was off in the distance.

The water was bright, the tide low, exposing tide pools, crabs and anemones, kelp and starfish. It really was another world. Here, the sand was bright, the greenery vibrant and glistening, a huge volcano ever to her left. The G-5 base had ocean views all around, no mountains or hills or harsh sudden cliffs, just flat sand for 360 degrees. The beaches were terrible though, marshy or rocky, not the kind of place one went to to enjoy a nice summer day even when they did have them.

She'd heard the South Blue was always like this, warm and tropical, even in winter. If she went there, would she forget what cold fog felt like? The way icy rain lashed against windows like nails screeching on chalkboard? Her feet pounded the sandy path, sweat dripping down her face, her glasses sliding down her nose as she sank deeper into her thoughts. Slowly like a rising tide, her last fight with Smoker replayed in her mind.

He pushed her away because he thought she deserved better, that he wasn't good enough for her, that he somehow was so flawed that eventually she would realize it and come to hate him for it. She cut across a few sand dunes, slowly rising higher above the water, the sun bouncing off the waves leaving spots in her vision.

Would she forget how after it rained the cold froze the air in your lungs? Would she forget how it felt to huddle around a heater or a fire with her men while waiting out an ice storm? Would she forget the cold of Punk Hazard?

Smoker told her that he'd been there before, and it didn't have a good ending. That meant he'd tried before, had been burned before, and was unwilling to try again. Higher and higher she went over the sand dunes as the wind rushed past her ears.

Would she forget the way Smoker looked on her doorstep in the middle of the night? How warm he felt against her skin?

The path took a sudden turn down towards the beach just as her glasses slipped down her nose. She tripped on the sand, tumbling down the short embankment towards the sea before coming to a stop near the water. Tashigi lay there for a moment, stunned, her skin stinging from being scraped against the sand.

She stared up at the light blue sky as she rolled onto her back, breathing heavily. The beach was empty, not another soul in sight. Just the seagulls and the soft whispers of the waves gently brushing against the shore echoing around her. Suddenly, fiercely, she wished she could share this moment. Not many people she knew appreciated the quieter things, the calm things, the small things.

But Smoker did. Her heart thumped in her chest and Tashigi sat up gingerly, pushing her glasses back into place to stare out at the ocean, watching the gulls swoop in and out of the water. He pushed her away so hard because he wasn't willing to lose her.

Because he loved her.

She sucked in a breath, then another, and another as the tears rolled down her cheeks and she let go. He was the man she would follow anywhere, whose justice and heart she could put her trust, her faith in. He supported her, believed in her, trusted her. But all he could do was give her his love from afar, all he could offer her was his friendship, what they already had. She could never hate him more than he hated himself, he was his own worst enemy.

The tears didn't stop for a long time, but when they did, Tashigi pulled herself to her feet and finished her run.

* * *

"Report Captain, over," Smoker said as he leaned back in his office chair, pulling a cigar from his holster. "Night recon was a success Sir, it appears that the plant is active at night, and they do have a guard rotation. Nothing complicated though, I was able to sneak in. It is the facility we are looking for, I found a shipment that appears ready for transport. Over." Tashigi's voice sounded withdrawn but Smoker grinned. Finally, progress. "Good, then we move into Phase 2. Over." He lit his cigar and tucked it into the corner of his mouth. "Understood, I'll await you in Ouvreville. Oh, um...Can you do me a favor?" she asked hesitantly.

"What?" he glanced out his window overlooking the courtyard, snow blowing so hard it covered the glass like a sheet. "Can you bring all the papers on my desk? I want to catch up on my backlog," she said sheepishly. He raised an eyebrow, she wanted to do paperwork when this was done? He figured she'd at least take a day or two to spend time with her sword, but who was he to get in the way of her job? "Fine," he grunted.

"Thank you," she said tightly. The line went quiet only highlighting how off they still were. "Alright, good luck Smoker-san," she said quietly. "Stay low Captain," he blew out a plume of smoke, then "...and good work." Tashigi ended the call without saying anything. He eyed the snail, the corner of his mouth turning down before he reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a different den den mushi. This one with pink hair and judging purple eyes.

She answered on the sixth ring. "Smoker-kun, do you know how late it is? Hina needs her sleep you know," Hina's slightly raspy voice sounded too loud in his near silent office. "Hina, I've got a situation and I need you to do something for me," he stated, keeping his face neutral. She sighed heavily. "Hina is listening," the snail's eyes looked bored. "The Navy has a rat I need you to catch."

* * *

When he hung up the call he felt drained. Talking to Hina was always troublesome. Smoker glanced out his window again. It was still snowing and he needed something to distract himself, knowing that sleep wasn't coming. He got up from his desk and stepped out into the hall, making his way to Tashigi's office. Her reports went to him eventually anyway, maybe there was something decent in them.

Her office used to be his until he took over Base Command. She, unlike him, had personalized it a bit more, a few photos on the desk, her collection of _Katana _alphabetized on a bookshelf. A blue and pink plaid patterned blanket on the back of her chair.

Papers were piled around her desk and Smoker made a face as he grabbed each pile. Picking up the last one, he turned to go back to his office and glanced down at the documents in his hand.

And went utterly still, hand outstretched to close Tashigi's office door.

A transfer request for the South Blue.

He went numb, a rushing sound filling his ears.

That was why she asked for him to bring her paperwork.

She was leaving him.

* * *

He should have felt at ease back at sea. The movement of the waves, the salty spray blowing in the wind, the sound of his men at work with the sails. Instead it all felt off, like something was missing. Rain came down in a miserable drizzle across the deck, not enough to make life difficult, but enough to make it annoying. He stared out at the ocean waves from the top deck, sitting in his chair. He should have been below deck, working in his office, but he couldn't concentrate.

At least sitting in the rain made him feel something. Replaced the numbness in his chest with something tangible. It had been a long time since he'd felt like this. Angry purple eyes flashed across his mind, the weather had been a lot like this then too. It was Hina's first scouting mission with her in charge. He'd been irritated that she was put in charge instead of him. They clashed all the time back then. He was a hot head, she was cold. He was reckless, she was overly cautious. She followed the rules to a fault, he followed them when they made sense.

Their platoon had been scouting out a suspected pirate hangout when they'd gotten pinned down by said pirates. They were outmanned and outgunned, so he'd done the only reasonable thing he could think of. Buy time for everyone else to escape. He'd expected to die that day. But Hina came after him, just to save him. They made a hell of a team, and managed to get out and rejoin the rest of the squad. They became inseparable after that.

He'd thought it would work with Hina. The rain continued for the rest of the day.

* * *

"Report, Captain, over," Smoker said quietly into the den den mushi on his wrist. The rain had petered out as his warship left the climate zone of the G-5 Base, the clouds breaking up enough to allow the stars high overhead to be seen.

"It appears Mazuno lives in a mansion on the west side of Ouvreville. He spends a lot of his time there, or at the chemical plant. We may have to split up and arrest him at his residence but that will…" She was leaving him.

_"I managed to pull some strings...you'll be transferred instead of getting court martialed," _Hina leaned against the stone wall outside the small temporary holding cell he was locked in, her arms crossed over her chest. She wasn't meeting his eyes and in hindsight that should have been his cue that something was wrong. Hina never cowered from eye contact. Hina was strong, stoic, confident. He'd glared at her, his arms aching from being held up in sea prism cuffs for the past two days, "Is that fucking all? And what about the victims? What happens to them?! Why am I in here and not those fuckers?! Tell them I'd rather be fucking court mar-" "Godammit Smoker! Don't shit on my efforts and take the fucking offer!" she'd snarled, her arms unfolding, hands clenched into fists. She'd looked at him then, her purple eyes furious, not furious at the situation but at him. He hadn't known that at the time however.

He glowered back at her but said nothing. She reached into her jacket and pulled out her pack of cigarettes, quietly lighting up. He hadn't had a nicotine hit in hours and the smell of it had made him dizzy. She approached the cell, pulling another cigarette out of her pack. Her hands were shaking, but he assumed it was because she was angry. He was in one of the temporary holding cells, built small as they weren't meant for long time use. She reached through the bars and placed the cigarette between his lips, the nicotine hitting his bloodstream like a hurricane the moment she lit him up. He was covered in dried blood, cuts, bruises and stunk of stale sweat. He breathed the smoke out, her face fuzzy through it. "...Thanks, Hina," he muttered.

Through the smoke he thought he saw her bite her lip, her face falling, but then it cleared and she was as passive as ever. She'd stepped back from his cell without a word, turning for the door, her pink hair fluttering behind her. "Goodbye, Smoker-kun," she said at the door, not looking back at him.

He hadn't expected it to actually be goodbye. He learned over the next few days that she'd gotten a transfer to the Grand Line with a promotion to Commodore. Three fucking years they'd been together. He was transferred to Loguetown. Had been there for a year and a half before she spoke to him again. It was another two years before Tashigi was stationed with him.

And now Tashigi was leaving him.

"Sir? ...Sir? Smoker-san?" Smoker blinked and glanced down at the den den mushi. Its black eyes stared blankly back at him. "What?!" He growled. "...How do you want to proceed on Mazuno's arrest Sir?" Tashigi sounded concerned and it stabbed at him. "We'll split into two teams, keep an eye on his movements. Check-in tomorrow, over and out," Smoker ended the call.

The wind ruffled his hair lightly in the wind, the moon a sliver between the clouds. He shoved his hands into his pockets, his fingers finding a coin. Pulling it out, Smoker stared at the face of it, barely visible in the darkness.

She was leaving him even though he'd tried everything to prevent it.

* * *

The skies were a bright overbearing blue as Smoker sat in his chair on the top deck. Tashigi hadn't been kidding about the weather difference. They were due to reach Moleaux Island late tonight. He should have been resting, preparing for the coming fight. He needed the rest, he hadn't slept in over 22 hours. Every time he did, all he could hear was the heart broken sound of her voice when he told her he couldn't return her feelings, or worse...he keep repeating the breathless smile she'd given him the first time he got them into this mess, or the way she breathlessly whispered his name into his ear, her fingernails biting into his shoulders.

He glared out at the sparkling blue waves. Summer islands always put him in a weird mood. They were Hina's favorite. _"Smoker-kun, grab a drink with Hina," _she'd smiled at him from the deck of the ship they were on. They were returning to base after a successful month at sea. He'd shrugged and she'd dragged him out with her. That was how it normally went. Nothing had seemed different about it. But that night, she brought him back to her apartment and in the morning told him that he owed her breakfast. He'd rolled his eyes but took her out for breakfast anyway. It was a year to the day she'd saved his life.

_"Since when have you cared about rules?" Tashigi whispered against his lips. _Smoker dug his fingers into his thigh. Hina cared about rules. Hina followed orders. It had always been a tension point between them, the worst of it coming to a head during their second year together.

He'd almost been killed in a skirmish with pirates on her first mission as a Captain. He'd directly disobeyed her orders in order to save a hostage. The next thing he knew, he woke up to Hina next to his hospital bed looking like death warmed over. When he told her she looked like shit, she burst into tears and told him he was an asshole. He'd never seen her cry before. She was an ugly crier, but that was when he knew he loved her.

It would take him a fucking year to tell her so.

They went out to a bar to celebrate his promotion to Captain. It wasn't anything fancy, she was wearing a tank top and shorts, drinking a Maitai. She gazed at him, stirred her drink around, smiled gently and said that she knew.

_"I like you...and I don't want to let this go," _Tashigi whispered. He felt like a pit was opening inside him, like he couldn't get enough air into his lungs.

He'd thought it would work out with Hina. He really, really fucking did.

A seagull flew overhead. The island would be in sight soon. And after that...Tashigi. The cold numbness inside of him opened wide. Smoker clenched his fist, pulling out a cigar and took a deep drag.

* * *

**Meeting:**

Under the cover of darkness, Tashigi stood on the beach near the chemical plant, her men scattered in the trees behind her, watching for movement in the plant. She squinted into the horizon, watching for the tell tale shape of boats to appear. Smoker and most of their unit was due to arrive tonight to make a raid on the facility.

Her heartbeat thrummed under her chest, and she wished she could say it was just nerves about the upcoming battle. But it wasn't. She hadn't seen Smoker in a week and his last few communications had been...off. Like he wasn't fully present, a very strange thing because Smoker was always present when it came to their jobs.

She felt anxious about being around him, both wanting to be far away and to bask in his presence. Movement in the dark water caught her eyes, and she watched closely as slowly, quietly, the shape of boats appeared out of the darkness. One gray shape materialized on the shore and her heartbeat sped up a notch. Looking about carefully, Tashigi made her way slightly out of the trees and made for the beach.

She stepped across the sand carefully, coming to a stop by Smoker's side. The familiar smell of cigar smoke drifted off of him and she resisted the urge to take a deep breath. "Smoker-san," she greeted him, accompanied with a barely visible salute. "Captain," he muttered, not looking at her. Just like that, the air between them became brittle. Tashigi bit the inside of her cheek.

She turned away from him and back towards the ocean, their rowboats almost at shore. Once they were close enough, their men hopped quietly into the water and pulled the boats the rest of the way ashore. They were lucky it was a new moon, or they'd likely have been spotted. She signalled for everyone to follow her and led them back towards the trees. The lights from the chemical plant pulsed slowly in the distance.

Once the boats were hidden, Tashigi turned to glance at her commander at the back of the group. Smoker was eying the facility through the trees before he dissipated and drifted above the treeline. "Captain-chan!" came the joyful hushed voice of Ensign Luk, his helmet making his head look bulbous in the near non-existent light. She smiled slightly, "Ensign Luk." He leaned in close to her and whispered conspiratorially "Smo-yan's been grumpy for days, we're so glad to have you back." Tashigi blinked. "Did something happen on the trip here?" she asked. Smoker was normally grumpy, but for their men to comment on it? "No, smooth sailing the whole time, nice to get away from the rain." She could just make out his wide smile, but her eyebrows furrowed and she glanced up above them, looking for Smoker even though she knew she wouldn't be able to see him.

Smoker reformed next to her a few seconds later, making Luk jump in surprise. "No sign their guards have noticed us, when's the next rotation?" he growled, his arms crossed, glaring at the facility. He had a cigar in his mouth but he yet to light it up. "About 15 minutes, and we're in luck Sir. Mazuno is inside the facility. Spotted him arriving an hour ago and he has yet to leave," Tashigi adjusted her glasses.

He finally turned to look at her and she met his gaze. Was it the shadows, or were there dark circles under his eyes? "I'll take two of your men and 10 others and take out the guards while they change shifts, leaving the front entrance guards for last. Once they are down, you bring everyone else and we'll take over the facility," he murmured. "Yes Sir," she nodded at him as he began picking out which of their men was going with him.

This felt so familiar to her it made her ache. It was good to be back in action with him, to be at his side. She placed her hand on Shigure and eyed the chemical plant. They would get the bastards.

* * *

Tashigi grinned as she pushed the wooden door open quietly, revealing the comms room she was looking for. A table with den den mushis, charts, and log books sat in the middle of the room. The man manning it had his back to her as he scribbled something down on the paper in front of him. Tashigi signaled to two of her men to watch the door as she slipped quietly inside. It was over quickly, the man slumping to the floor from her blow to the back of his head. She glanced at the charts and books and smiled wickedly. No more communications with the spy!

"Tie him up and guard this room, I'm going to find Vice Admiral Smoker," her men saluted her as she took off. The operation had been going smoothly thus far, they'd taken out the guards without trouble and had secured the pallets of drugs ready to be shipped near the loading docks. And now she'd found and taken the Comms Room.

Offices and storage surrounded the production machinery with its huge bubbling tanks and vats taking up the middle of the plant, the enormous domed ceiling high above as Tashigi scurried along a metal walkway three stories up. The dull hum of electricity filled the air, vibrating the railings and the walls, the sound of pumps sloshing liquids through pipes giving the factory an eerie feeling. She didn't like places like this, hadn't since Punk Hazard. Cold and unfeeling, mechanical and unforgiving. At least this time they weren't being pursued by a deadly poisonous purple gas.

Tashigi had taken the west side of the facility, leaving Smoker to comb through the east side to find and arrest Mazuno. She'd just passed above a large vat of something green when the quiet was shattered by the BANG of a door slamming open on one of the floors below her! Tashigi whipped her head around as footsteps pounded down another metal walkway, making for the stairs towards the middle of the facility. She whirled around, rushing towards the sounds, her steps echoing loudly off the metal. She stuck close to the railing, trying to get a view of the situation below.

"It's the FUCKING NAVY!" roared a man's voice echoing off the tanks. "CUT THE LIGHTS! CUT THE FUCKING LIGHTS!" followed by the sound of something exploding, a bright flash and all went dark. Tashigi skidded to a halt, listening intently. It wasn't only the lights that went out, the electricity to the machinery had stopped too. In a few seconds, everything went silent. Tashigi looked around desperately, her eyes adjusting too slowly. She needed to get down there!

A few moments later, the humming began again and emergency lights near the floors turned on giving the ground floor a yellow glow as the emergency generator started up. Tashigi followed the walkway to the next set of stairs down and took them two at a time as the sound of gunshots rang out. "Don't fucking shoot! You'll hit the tanks!" roared Smoker's voice.

Her heart leapt in her throat. She reached the bottom of the stairs to the second level as the startlingly harsh red flash of a flare illuminated the warehouse floor. Not a second later, a strange wrenching noise filled the air. She rushed to the railing, trying to get a lay of the battle as a crashing sound vibrated the whole building. Immediately a loud blaring klaxxon went off, Tashigi grit her teeth. A small group of her men were trapped in a corridor on the ground floor, a huge metal tank blocking the doorway. Had someone thrown it?! However what grabbed her attention in the fading red light was a group of men fleeing towards the end of the warehouse near the largest holding tank. Mazuno was in the middle of them. And at the end of the building stood Smoker, blocking the exit. Alone.

Dread filled her stomach, all she could see was him on the sandbar. They had no idea what these people were capable of! Heart pounding, Tashigi leapt over the railing, diving into a roll and coming up on her feet, turning to chase after them. The flare died out, the red glare from the exit sign pulsating in the darkness in front of her.

She could just make out what was happening ahead of her from the emergency floor lights and blinking alarm lights on the pipes and vats. She gasped as an enormous man grabbed another giant metal tank and began ripping it out of the floor, the bolts holding it in place flying in every direction, the screeching wrenching sound of metal clashing with the alarm klaxxon. "Take this, asshole!" he roared, hurling it at Smoker! Smoker turned to smoke so it could pass right through him, the tank smashing into the wall with a crash, whatever was inside it splashing across the floor.

But it was a distraction as the other three men guarding Mazuno encircled Smoker. Unlike the guards hired to keep watch, these men were properly trained fighters. They rushed her commander, forcing him backward, pivoting and blocking their blows. They must have been using haki otherwise he would have just avoided them as smoke. Tashigi skidded to a halt, her hand on Shigure as the tank of a man turned to face her with a menacing grin. Between her and Smoker was Mazuno pressed against one of the machines, his guards, and the tank leaking chemicals all over the floor in rivulets.

"Surrender and we won't hurt you!" she called out, tightening her grip on Shigure's hilt. The big man grinned at her. He was missing a few teeth and had a massive scar going from his left eyebrow to his right ear. "Impel down sucks Lady, no thanks!" and charged at her. Tashigi whipped Shigure out from its sheath, dodging the punch he sent her way. The metal floor bent and dented beneath his huge fist. Despite his size, he was quick on his feet as he turned to go after her again. "Look girlie, I don't want to beat in such a cute face, so why don't you just hang back?" he taunted. Tashigi glared at him. They circled each other, the sound of Smoker exchanging blows with his opponents interspersed with the blaring alarm.

The low light threw terrifying chaotic shadows across the huge pipes. Tashigi watched the big guy's feet, waiting for him to make his move. If she got too close to him, he'd overpower her. She saw him lean forward a second before he threw himself towards her. This time when he reached out to grab her, she dropped and sliced at his knees. He jumped upward, her sword going through nothing. Tashigi threw herself out of his way as he came back down, his fists raining down and busting a hole in a control panel right where she'd been standing. Her eyes darted back and forth thinking quickly. She needed to turn his strength to her advantage!

Her eyes landed on a large pneumatic pipe a short distance away from her. She grinned. Tank pulled his fists free with a snarl and turned towards her as she feinted, acting like she was making to run past him. "I've got you now Little Girl!" and he punched down towards her. She dropped and rolled as his fists connected with the pipe, busting through it, sending burning hot steam surging into his face, blanketing the air. He screamed, falling backward and clutching his face. The alarm klaxxon sped up to a more frantic note. That couldn't be good.

"Initiating Lock Down Procedure, please exit the building!" came a mechanical recording through the alarm speakers. Tashigi glanced away from Tank to look towards the exit. Smoker had taken down two of his opponents, the other one circling him cautiously. Huge metal doors were slowly emerging from the exit walls. "You BITCH!" came Tank's voice from her left right before his fist connected with her side and sent her flying. She slammed into another pipe, toppling over it and landing on the other side, breath knocked from her lungs. She shook her head with a groan. The steam filling the air made everything hazy and even harder to take a breath. She could hear Tank closing in on her, his footsteps rattling the floor. Anger surged through her veins. She pushed herself to her feet just before Tank could crush her beneath his fists and darted to the side.

Breathing heavily and bleeding from a small cut above her eye, she locked onto Tank. Through the steam, he turned towards her, a feral snarl on his horrifying face. The hot steam had burned the left side, leaving his flesh mangled and droopy. "Lock Down Procedure complete in two minutes, please exit the building!" came the alarm again. Shit, they were running out of time!

She needed to end this. Now.

Tank advanced on her as she straightened, sinking into a Kirioshiri stance.

Focusing. Focusing.

He launched himself at her at the same time as she moved, a wicked white slash of energy erupting from Shigure, lighting up the entire warehouse. It blew through Tank cleanly and continued, slicing through the machinery, cutting through the wall into the outside air beyond. The ceiling cracked as the support beams on that side of the wall shrieked and bent from the onslaught of her attack!

Tank fell to his knees then dropped face first to the floor in a pool of blood. Everything came to a stop for just a second before the alarm sounded again. She turned towards where she could hear Smoker, breathing heavily as a huge chunk of ceiling broke loose and crashed to the floor. A yelp sounded out and Tashigi turned towards the noise. "I surrender! I surrender!" shrieked a voice from the other side of the machinery. Tashigi leapt over the pipe she had been thrown into to find Mazuno cowering against a control box, his eyes wide and darting all around. She glared at him harshly. "You're under arrest for production and trafficking of illicit substances," Tashigi said as she advanced on him.

A thud sounded from Smoker's direction and she glanced up as Smoker advanced towards her, the three men he'd been battling were being carried limply by his smoke. He had a black eye and a gash through his jacket on his shoulder. Relief rushed through her. He glared at Mazuno who whimpered and held up his hands in surrender.

Smoker glanced at her and she grinned. They'd won. Then the alarm sounded again, Smoker grabbed both of them and rushed for the exit just before the doors closed.

* * *

Tashigi sighed as she stepped into the cool air, closing the door of the cabana behind her. It was early, the sun had yet to come up but she couldn't sleep any longer. After the battle, she'd spent the day coordinating the transport of the criminals, figuring out what to do with the multiple kilos of drugs that were at the facility, and shutting down the factory so it wouldn't be hazardous to the nearby residents. They'd also made a raid on Mazuno's mansion. Her men had been collecting evidence the last she'd checked on them some hours ago. Smoker had practically disappeared, setting up Phase 3 of their plan, and dealing with the Ouvreville City Officials. But he could have taken her with him. If things were normal, that's what he would have done.

He was avoiding her, more than he had in the past, and it was that that made her get up from her bed at such an early hour. She hoped a walk would clear her head. Like it had before. So that she could handle being around him the next couple of days when they didn't have a battle to distract them from their own issues.

She walked down towards the beach. It was empty, the only other people she saw were a few fishermen heading towards the dock. The G-5 Warship was anchored in the distance. She walked along the bay, watching the sky lighten little by little. The gray made her think of Smoker, her shoulders hunching. She wanted to see him, but at the same time just the few glimpses she'd seen of him since the battle had made her chest ache so badly it left her breathless. How long would it be till it stopped hurting when she saw him? She'd been trying so hard to be normal for the last week but...she took a deep shaky breath. A gentle breeze lifted her bangs off her forehead as she reached the water and walked along it, her feet sinking into the sand as Tashigi carried her sandals in her hand. A familiar smell of cigar smoke made her look up.

Sitting on the sand staring out at the ocean was Smoker. His arms were looped over his knees, an unfamiliar desolate expression on his face, and she was reminded that she wasn't alone in her pain, even if he was the cause. She bit her lip, her eyes feeling hot, but she sucked in another breath. Maybe…maybe it was time they stopped hurting, and started healing.

* * *

The waves lapped at the shore, dark gray in the morning light. Smoker hadn't slept. He stared out at the ocean, reviewing the battle in his mind. Tashigi coming to back him up and cutting down her opponent. She'd been practicing since the last time she'd used the slash on accident, that much was obvious. And he was so very proud of her. It was a good battle, and she would only get stronger from here.

But he'd realized as she smiled at him in victory that that was their last battle together. And it was like a punch in the gut. He couldn't be around her. Every time he looked at her, his breath caught in his throat, the cold numbness spreading through him like fire. That was why she was trying to act like everything was normal between them. She was trying to make their parting as easy as she could. For him probably. Because she was too fucking nice.

Tashigi was leaving him and he deserved it. He'd hurt her. He never wanted to but that was how it always happened. It was better this way. She could be happy this way. She'd move on from him, find someone who wasn't so fucking difficult. Find someone who could make her happy, who could love her without fear.

Each thought was like a knife wound to his heart.

Soft footsteps in the sand made him look up. Tashigi stood a few feet away from him, her hair down, wearing a tank top and capris, her sandals in her hand. "Smoker-san…?" she looked at him, the sorrow in her eyes only reminding him of how bad he'd screwed up.

Slowly, hesitantly, Tashigi approached and sat down next to him, only a handbreadth apart. She curled her arms around her knees as she pulled them to her chest, staring out at the ocean.

She was going to tell him she was transferring. He knew it. Smoker couldn't bear to look at her. The sky was a periwinkle blue now, the last stars beginning to fade.

"Smoker-san...are you...are you okay?" she asked softly, but the weight behind it sent him reeling. Was he...okay? Why the fuck was she asking him that?! Shouldn't he be the one asking her that?! After everything? After sleeping with her and avoiding her, and yelling at her, and... and she was asking him if he was-

No. She was leaving. No, he wasn't okay. He'd fucked up once again and had no idea how he was supposed to start over. Again. Because she was different. She'd stayed by him all this time and what finally made her leave was his own stupid baggage, his own shit.

But maybe this way she wouldn't hate him. Maybe it wouldn't take her months to be able to talk to him again. Maybe one day he could look at her and not feel like he was drowning. Smoker grit his teeth so hard it hurt.

"I-" he cut himself off, swallowing his words. What did his feelings matter? She deserved to be happy. And if leaving him was what that took then... She was leaving him. "...Are you okay?" he asked, bracing for the blow. Her eyes flicked towards him then to her knees, "No," she whispered, his heart clenched. "But...I will be," she breathed out then leaned her head against his shoulder.

Something gave way in his chest. They stayed like that until the sun rose.

* * *

**Returning Home:**

The sun was out when they pulled into port, like the world itself was happy Tashigi was back at Base. Smoker wondered if once she left for good if the rain would stay forever. He watched her yelling orders on the deck below him, their men jumping to comply.

The three day trip back to G-5 had been quiet. He'd barely seen her, some unspoken agreement to give each other space. They anchored successfully and set down the gangplank. She jumped off the ship, spoke briefly with one of their officers, then left. He supposed he should get used to her absence. He closed his eyes, then turned to smoke to land on the docks, heading towards his office.

* * *

It was nearing sunset when the snail in his desk drawer rang. Smoker pulled it out slowly, eying the purple eyes. He took a deep breath and picked it up. "Hina," he said calmly. He'd been expecting her call. "Smoker-kun, the rat has been neutralized. Hina rounded up a nice batch of drug dealers too." Well that was good at least. Once he'd taken over the production facility, they'd used the communication system to set up a fake drug deal on the very sandbar that nearly killed him. Hina had been watching to see who responded to the call. One less fucking rat in the Navy. He'd gotten justice for his men, at least a little.

"Good," he grunted. "Mmm, the nobles on Goro Island are making a big fuss, apparently their crown prince was involved in some way. You might hear from the higher-ups about being more careful next time, they have invested heavily into our fleet," Hina narrowed her eyes at him. Smoker rolled his own. "Whatever, they can suck it." He growled. Hina sighed, and he could picture the way her lips curved upwards slightly. "Poor Tashigi-chan, I don't know how she puts up with you, you should give her a raise, Smoker-kun," her words cut into him. He closed his eyes. The chasm in his chest clawing at him. "Especially since she turned down another transfer," the den den mushi shook its head.

Smoker's eyes snapped open.

She what?

He had to have heard that wrong right? "...What?" his heart was pounding. "Mmm, she didn't tell you? She would have had her own unit, nice summer weather, Hina is almost jealous," the snail pouted.

The world went silent, a ringing in his ears. Shock paralyzed him, confusion swamping him suddenly. Tashigi... wasn't leaving? But...why? Why wasn't she? He drove them all away! The only one who still talked to him was Hina, and it had taken years for them to be friends again. They'd never talked about what happened. He'd never had the courage to, didn't want to reopen wounds that had only just closed. But-

"Hina...what did I do to push you away?" he breathed out. The words hung in the air before him. His hands were shaking. The pink snail slowly blinked at him, tilting its head. "...You...You want to talk about this now? ...After all this time?" she asked, her voice though tinged with confusion had an edge to it. "Just answer me Hina." All the times he pictured having this conversation in his head, his voice was sure, angry, harsh. Or calm, kind, understanding. Not weak...vulnerable, small.

The snail's eyes closed and its expression looked resigned. Her sigh sounded strange through the air waves. The line was quiet for a minute. "...Truthfully, because... I couldn't handle it," she said quietly, dropping her normal mannerisms. Signaling to him that she was being serious. "Handle what?" he swallowed. The snail sucked in a breath. "...The fact that one day...one day it would be me court martialing you. That someday... we'd be on opposite sides. Love and war are two sides of the same coin and I," she gave a self depreciating chuckle, "I knew that that wasn't a battle I could win." Smoker stared out his window as a leaf spun gently past it in the breeze. "And once I made the decision, being around you was too much. For what it's worth...I'm sorry Smoker. It wasn't you who pushed me away, it was me." Smoker's breathing echoed in his ears, slow and deep. Hina smiled gently at him. "Luckily, not everyone is like me, Hina is one of a kind after all." Something eased in his chest. Smoker snorted softly, "See you around Hina." The call ended.

Tashigi wasn't transferring. She wasn't leaving him. And he needed to know why. In her own words. He stood up from his desk, feeling like the world was off-kilter. He grabbed his jacket and headed for the door.

It was like he blinked and her apartment was in front of him. He'd given her the day off. The last time he'd been here was the night of the funeral, the night he thought he'd ruined everything. He knocked loudly on the door, folded his arms and stepped back.

He could hear her steps right before she opened it. She was wearing a simple blue Marines t-shirt and a pair of capris, her glasses resting on her nose. She blinked at him in surprise. "Smo-"

"Tashigi...why didn't you take the transfer?"

* * *

Smoker was using her name again. That was the first thing she noticed, followed by the strange expression on his face. Like he'd never seen her before. Tashigi tilted her head at him, as his words caught up to her brain. "Why would I?" she said softly.

He focused on her, confusion in his eyes. Tashigi took a breath. "Why would I leave when everything I want is right here?" she said gently, looking down at his chest before moving her gaze back up to his face. The soft look of surprise on his face made her sigh. It was time for her to be honest now. She leaned against the door frame, rubbing her upper arm, "I um… I never thanked you for being so open with me the other night, I...know it hurt, to say those words out loud, and at first I was so angry with you, but then I realized...that if all you could give me was what we already have, then...that was enough for me." She glanced at their feet. "I...I would rather have you in my life than not at all," she smiled softly, a weight finally lifting off her chest. It had been a long time since she'd smiled at him. She still loved him, would always love him, even if he was an eternal idiot.

* * *

The world tilted slowly on its axis as Smoker stared at Tashigi. He felt dizzy, a warmth spreading through him. She wasn't leaving him because…

Because she wanted him in her life. Even after everything, she still wanted to stay. A lump formed in his throat.

"_ ...and if I said this time would be different, would it matter? _" her words echoed through his head. She'd asked him what he wanted on this doorstep, just a few weeks ago. He'd said what he wanted didn't matter. But it did. It did matter. Because what he wanted was her.

Maybe, maybe he could do this right. One more time.

* * *

Smoker gazed at her, the openness on his face surprising. He looked so young, lost. Tashigi resisted the urge to reach for him. His eyes roamed her face, before settling somewhere near their feet. He breathed out a long sigh, shoving his hands in his pockets. She knew him well enough to wait for him to gather his thoughts. "If I were wrong..." He trailed off, his shoulders hunched. Tashigi felt the air leave her lungs and she gazed at him, scrutinizing his face, his posture. "Wrong about…?" Her voice was so quiet, he would have missed it were it not for the fact that they were standing barely a foot apart. He was still looking at their feet, a faraway look to his eyes. "...You...not being different. About...not being able to give you what you...want, or...wanted." The world seemed to come to a standstill, the sunset's deep hues of orange and purple gave everything a golden light, the air itself quiet. "And...were you wrong?" she breathed, her hands were surprisingly steady at her sides.

"Yes," he said, finally meeting her eyes.

She stared at him, taking in the five o'clock shadow, the set of his brow, the tightness in his jaw, the stray lock of hair escaping over his ear. Heartbeat pounding in her ears, throat tight, she reached a hand up, tucking the errant lock back into place, then pulled him down and crushed her lips to his.

He seemed utterly frozen for a moment then he was pulling her close, his arms around her waist, in her hair, lips slanting against hers with an urgency that took her breath away. A breathless laugh escaped her lips, a blinding smile gracing her features, making her cheeks hurt.

He smiled back at her, before picking her up, walking into her apartment and shutting the door behind them.

* * *

The sun was up bright and early, the sky cloudless from Tashigi's bedroom window. The air was crisp as Smoker stood leaning against the open window, letting the smoke from his cigar drift into the outside air. He took a deep breath. It felt like he could breathe properly for the first time in months.

Rustling of blankets behind him drew his attention and he turned his head. Tashigi rolled over and blinked blearily at him, her black locks everywhere. "Smoker?" came her voice. There was hesitation in it. She was afraid he'd leave again. But that was something he could fix.

He put his cigar out, turned and settled back on her small bed next to her. Next time, they were using his bed, hers was a bit too small for the both of them. She was quiet then whispered, "Stay with me?" Smoker pulled her to his chest, resting his chin on the top of her head. "As long as you'll have me," he muttered into her hair.

* * *

**Epilogue:**

It was Christmas Eve and once again G-5 Unit 01 was on duty. Tashigi sighed as she stood in the Crows Nest. She'd spent the entire day hunting down mistletoe, just like last year. This time however, she didn't spare any. The weather was calm, a bit cold, the stars twinkling brightly above. Her men were partying in the Mess Hall. She'd slipped out a little earlier, wanting a few minutes of peace. She cared for them all dearly but there was only so many times she could handle being asked to dance, or if she wanted a drink.

The sound of footsteps behind her made her turn. Smoker materialized on the Crows Nest and she gave him a slight smile. He had a bottle of Jerez with him which he passed to her as he leaned on the railing looking out at the sea. She took a sip, then passed it back, standing next to him. "Idiots bothering you again?" he asked. "Not too bad, at least there's no mistletoe this time," she rolled her eyes. Smoker snorted softly, then "You sure about that?" and pointed above them. She looked up. "Wha- I could have sworn I got it all!" she rubbed her temples in exasperation. The corner of Smoker's mouth turned up and he stepped close to her, before leaning down and capturing her lips with his.

She looked up at him and smiled softly, "Merry Christmas Smoker-san." He nestled her into his side, the warmth of him driving away the chill in the air. The stars shone brightly, the laughter of their men echoing out over the water. "Merry Christmas Tashigi."

* * *

**Notes:**

That's all folks! I really hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I'm so grateful for all the support and feedback I've received!

This is the first long fanfic I've ever written. I wrote over 139 pages of content, of which only 87 pages made the cut.  
I would love to hear your thoughts, I want to get better as a writer, and the only way to do that is through practice and constructive criticism.

Fun fact, the only music I listened to while writing this was the album His Young Heart by Daughter. I listened to it a grand total of 590 TIMES, with the song Switzerland having been played 891 times. What that says about me, I don't know.

I'll be writing more for this couple as well as some others, and I'll be putting up a poll to vote on which fic I should focus on next on my twitter (at buggyisbest).

As always, thank you for reading! I love you all!


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